Do you play chess? Volyibol? Tenyisneya? Or should we sit in the cafeteriya and enjoy big glasses of hot tea with all the sugar and talk and talk and talk. --Garrison Keillor, "Glastnost" % "You wear different perfume" --L., quoting K on why he can't compare L. and R. % "It's killing me!" you say this too often, yet it's true-- everything you say, everything you do is leading slowly, inexorably to your end. And every breath is one closer to your last... % "Bad artists borrow, good artists steal" --Picasso % The art of losing isn't hard to master; so many things seem filled with the intent to be lost that their loss is no disaster Lose something every day. Accept the flurry of lost door keys, the hour badly spent. The art of losing isn't hard to master. Then practice losing farther, losing faster: places, and names, and where it was you meant to travel. None of these will bring disaster. I lost my mother's watch. And look: my last, or next-to-last, of three loved houses went. The art of losing isn't hard to master. I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster, some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent. I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster. --Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident the art of losing's not too hard to master though it may look like (*Write* it!) like disaster. --E.Bishop, "One Art" % "Why won't you love me?" he asked. She reached out and wrapped him in her arms. How could she tell him that in his eyes she could see him preparing to consume her out of love? He would begin with the eyes, then move on to her hands, her mouth, taking special care for the delicate lips. The feast would continue with her breasts, and sex, then finish with her vitals, and her heart. "Oh baby," she murmured, "baby baby baby." They rocked together in the dim afternoon light. % Ophelia! You're breakin' my heart Oh Ophelia! You're makin' this dane It's makin' me sick Melancholy-- like poor old Yorrick who I knew, who I knew Makin' love in the afternoon and Ophelia it's my uncle has come undone in my mom's bedroom handing out flowers to most everyone Ophelia! It's changin' my tune Ophelia All the slings + arrows I'm worried a lot of outrageous fortune about whether to be... ...or be not --with apologies to the Bard and paul Simon % "I'm glad you brought your raincoat-- I think it's beginning to rain" --Madonna, 1992 % Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh!" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you" % Jesus got up one day a little later than usual. He had been dreaming so deep there was nothing left in his head. What was it? A nightmare, dead bodies walking all around him, eyes rolled back, skin falling off. But he wasn't afraid of that. It was a beautiful day. How 'bout some coffee? Don't mind if I do. Take a little ride on my donkey. I love that donkey. Hell, I love everybody. --J. Tate, "Good Time Jesus" % "I didn't have any life this weekeend except have sex." -A.T., Oct 29 1995 % "I just want a lover who'll make me chicken soup when I'm sick" -L, Nov 1 1995 % "My mind is in the dirt making mudpies" --Lady Miss Kier of Deee-Lite % You would never spend the night, always leaving a short time after. I thought you were afraid I could steal your breath away as you slept, stealing the precious Oxygen you needed, blanketing you in dead CO2 even as I helod you in my arms. I always hoped there was oxygen enough for all. % "I will bring you love," said the young lover, "A glad light to dance in your dark eye. Pendants I will bring of the whitebone, And gay parrot feathers to deck your hair." But she only shook her head. "I will put a child in your arms," he said, "Will be a great headman, great rain-maker I will make remembered songs about you That all the tribes in all the wandering Will sing forever. But she was not impressed. "I will bring you the still moonlight on the lagoon, And steal for you the singing of all the birds-- I will bring down the stars of heaven to you, And put the bright rainbow in your hand." "No," she said, "bring me tree-grubs." --OODGEROO of the tribe Noonuccal % "Do you know much about love, Chuck?" "Probably not." --Peppermint Patty and Charlie Brown % Favorite 70's cocktail: "Slow Comfortable Screw" % "Do you like oral sex?" overheard Times Square, Dec 31 1995 % "I want you to love me" % "Stars and People are made of the same stuff" --Bill Nye the Science Guy % Your tender glance Luring and clever What a pleasant dance Resounding with laughter Or Marivo's pen so impulsive Your nose Pierrot The curve of your lips so entrancing They spin my mind, like the Marriage of Figaro! --Kuzmin % i've never been one to write mushy love sonnets but- right now i'm holding on to my heart with both hands to keep it from breaking your name is the one i think i see inscribed on the moon % What the Indigo Girls don't realize is that It *does* resound like the hymns of 1,000 years, and it is just pop emotion-- the two are one and the same, the tawdry cannot escape the eternal. --Mar 30 1996 % She always says she dislikes the abnormal, it so obvious. She says the normal is so much more simply complicated and interesting. --Gertrude Stein on Gertrude Stein, _The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas_ % take a METAPHOR to BED % the MAN is a MOUNTAIN of QUOTES % "There's too much of a spiritual, neurotic side to you that's going to have to come out" % Heav'n, you're pleas'd to say, has made me beautiful, and that to such a Degree, that you are forc'd, nay, as it were compell'd to love me, in spite of your Endeavours to the contrary; and for the sake of that Love, you say I ought to love you again. Now, tho' I am sensible, that whatever is beautiful is lovely, I cannot conceive, that what is lov'd for being handsome, shou'd be bound to love that by which 'tis lov'd, meerly because 'tis lov'd... --Marcella, _Don Quixote_ % Sometimes us romantic adventurers get bopped in the nose. -K, Apr 26 1996 % Now is the winter of our discontent-- and I'm makin' snowballs! % "Free your mind and your ass will follow" --George Clinton % His heart would break, and like a broken bone, it would mend, but never be what it once was, perhaps aching in prediction of bad weather % there may be some things that you can't put into words, but generally fewer than people think. % "I'm gonna achieve immortality or die trying!" % There are no "facts"-- there is only *the fact* that man, every man everywhere in the world, is on his way to ordination. Some men take the long route and some take the short route. Every man is working out his own way and nobody can be of help except by being kind, generous, and patient. --Henry Miller, _Tropic of Capricorn_ % "I'm as confident as Cleopatra's Pussy" --The Divine Miss M. % But love, he said, love was a fragile blossom; love was a delicate crystal; love was an unstable reaction with a half-life of about eight months. --Joe Haldeman, _The Forever War_ % Well, the fog's lifting The sand's shifting I'm drifting on out Old Captain Ahab's longing to hear from me. Swallow me, Don't follow me, I'm travelling alone Blue water's my daughter I skip like a stone... --The Divine Miss M. % You know, I wanted to leave you with the memory of the good beneath the gaudy, the saint beneath the paint, the pure little soul that lurks beneath this lurid exterior... but then again I figured: Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke! --Bette Midler % Do you really think I would and I do love all you with all me. Do you really think I could, yes I could yes I would love all you with all me. Do you really think I should yes I should love all you with all me yes I should yes I could yes I would. Do you really think i do love all you with all me, yes I do love all you with all me And bless my baby. --Gertrude Stein to Alice B. Toklas % Besides: what clod alive hasn't pursued some species of myth and looked a dman fool in the process? --Michael Detracca, _Captain Zzyzx_ % "[Having a baby] is like owning a *really* dumb dog" --P.M. Jul 15 1996 % I really do think that love is the best thing in the world, except for cough drops. But I also have to say, for the umpty-umpth time, that life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all. --William Goldman, _The_Princess_Bride_ % "I would have made a good pope" --Richard Milhous Nixon % "I'd believe only in a god who understood how to dance" --Henry & June % "All life is 6-to-5 against, just enough to keep you interested" --Damon Runyon % "She's immortal!" "You're amoral?" "You're a mural??" "You're a moray eel???" % "I remember two things very well, and that is that ladies are pretty and money pays the bills when you get it" --B.B.King % "Has God forgotten everything I've done for Him?" --Louis XIV % "If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn" --Charlie "Yardbird" Parker, Sep 9 1949 % "Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea." % Love is two crickets hopping in the same direction --W.T.Vollmann % "Lord what fools these mortals be!" --Puck % "I may be a craven little coward, but I'm a *greedy* craven little coward." --Daffy Duck % "Tough times make monkeys eat red peppers." --Frank Costello % "Man and machines share in the stimulating exchange of...aaargh." --Eddie, H.G.t.t.G Radio Scripts % "The time has come," the walrus said, "To speak of manic things, Of shots and shouts, and sealing dooms Of commoners and kings." --Thurber % "Double integral is also the shape of lovers curled asleep" --Pynchon % "I like frogs, and their outlook, and the way they get together in wet places on warm nights and sing about sex." --overheard at the New England Aquarium % "You suspect I suffer from WOMB ENVY... but it is only ROMANCE that I seek..." -Mortimer Mouse, _Outland_ % "Now that I'm enlightened, I'm just as miserable as ever." --Suzuki % If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. --Albert Einstein % Proof that an elephant and a flea have the SAME weight: Let e = weight of elephant f = weight of flea d = difference between e and f Therefore: e = f + d [Multiply both sides by (e -f)] e (e - f) = (f + d) (e - f) ee - ef = ef - ff + de - df [Subtract de from both sides] ee - ef - de = ef - ff - df e (e - f - d) = f (e - f - d) [Cancel (e - f - d) from both sides] e = f The weight of an elephant equals the weight of a flea, QED. % Romeo was restless he was ready to kill Jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still Juliet was waitin' with a safety net- said "don't bury me 'cause I'm not dead yet" --Elvis Costello, "Mystery Dance" % ALVY ...It was great seeing Annie again and I realized what a terrific person she was and how much fun it was knowing her and I thought of that old joke, you know, this, this this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, uh, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken and, uh, the doctor says, well why don't you turn him in? And the guy says, I would, but I need the eggs. Well, I guess that's pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and, but uh, I guess we keep going through it... because... most of us need the eggs. --Woody Allen, _Annie Hall_ % You gotta program like you don't need the money, You gotta compile like you'll never get hurt, You gotta run like there's nobody watching, It's gotta come from the heart if you want it to work. % I got gravel in my paw Dirty motor oil soaked Down to my skin Got gravel in my paw Dirty motor oil soaked Down to my skin Broken glass in my mouth Sparkles Every time I grin --Bobby Sichran, "Stray Dog" % I was feeling sorry for myself Because I had no shoes. But then I met a man who had no feet. And I said, "friend, can I have your shoes?" --The Foremen Folk Heroes % That's the whole point; at least I think that's what Bethrah was saying although it's difficult to accept. I mean it seems horrible that the most you can do for people you love is to leave them alone. you love is to leave them alone. --Dymphna Willson, _A Different Drummer_ % "Computers let you make more mistakes faster than anything except handguns and tequila..." --Mitch Ratcliffe % "I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it." % If your time hasn't arrived yet, not even the doctor can kill you % Be careful. Maybe God was *you* in a previous life. % It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one damn thing over and over. -- Edna St. Vincent Millay % The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" % "Our lives are better left to chance. I could've missed the pain, But I'd have had to miss the dance." --Garth Brooks % My brain racked with life, yet all these thoughts should comes to this: despite all trials and tribulations I still hunger for your kiss % The autumn leaves are falling like rain. Although my neighbors are all barbarians, And you, you are a thousand miles away, There are always two cups at my table. --T'ang Dynasty % "Kid, you ever get a message from God? Something you just had to do? Something you just knew was gonna be the biggest thing in your life, ever?" "No..." "Me neither. But I'm working on it" % "When I Dream of Angels, I Dream of You" (Saying this in French to a French speaker is alleged to be the best pickup line in the world) % She held on tightly to me, reluctant to let go for even an instant, to allow a change of posture between us, to allow me to hang over her and take the sight of her in. Her arms wrapped around me, I could feel the expansion and contraction of her ribcage as she breathed. Later I said "God, you really don't like to let go." "That's OK," she replied, "Neither do you." % Here I am; I'm here-- in my mind, and yours, it seems. Please don't hold me too dear. Some dreams are unrealized. --R % The poem that gives G. hope for the English Language: She offered her honor He honored her offer So all day and all night He was on her and off her % Dreams are like sausages-- small, and, uh, full of good stuff and- uh- watch out, some are really spicy! And- oh, never mind. % I'll sit here and breathe-- inhale, exhale, smoothly, and with grace. Our ability to breathe os something that's always knocked me over. % "Won't you come away with me?" People had been saying that to him all his life. He had still not learned to turn them down. --Anne Tyler, _Searching for Caleb_ % Love is a Many Splintered Thing % As If I Could See The World In Your Kiss. % Her face was beautiful, with full cheeks and lips: it seemed always on the brink of laughter. This fascinated him-- to be on the brink of laughter, senses at their most and least aware. % "Jeez! Slow Down! You think apples grow on trees??" "Uh-" "Never mind!" % To be dissolved in a kiss % "He's just your old man-- he's as full of shit as anybody" --Bull Durham % "If I knew who Godot was, I would have said so in the play!" --Samuel Beckett % OPEN YOUR MIND (as well as your legs) % She was built with the strength, balance, and elegance of a handcrafted dry-stone wall % Laugh at yourself, and you'll always be entertained. % As you slide down the bannister of life may all the splinters point the right way. % You know, life as a rhino beetle might *seem* glamorous, but actually it sucks % The girl was tall, trim, supple; built like a symphony. Her Callistan vexto-silk gown, of the newest and most violent shade of 'radioactive' green, was phosphorescently luminous; fluorescent; gleaming and glowing, its hem swept the floor, but above the waste it vanished mysteriously except for wisps which clung to strategic areas here and there with no support, apparently, except the personal magnetism of the wearer... --E.E.'Doc' Smith, _First Lensman_ % Do you suppose the guy who invented marmalade has "he invented marmalade" inscribed on his tombstone? Think about it. % Man, how it would suck to be a baby worm; I mean, all you got to look forward to is being a big worm, or something. % Miracles aren't always blessings --_Hawkeye_ % "Will we ever see each other again?" "I don't know. Probably no." --Rob et al. Summer 1995 % Honour thy parents, Brothers and Sisters. They were hip to the groove too once you know. Parents are soul. --Joey "The Lips" Fagan, _The Commitments_ % I kissed the Blarney Stone; Now I'm Wicked Eloquent % Touch is a way of worshipping life. And sex is a way of kicking death in the ass. % "You better go." "You're saying that like you might change your mind." "I know. That's why you better go." --_Bye Bye Love_ % Then again, I might be wrong. % "I don't want to be friends. I've got friends. I want sex! What am I gonna do with more friends?" --David Cale, _Don't Let Your Lover Make a Mess Of You_ % you're not the first you're not the last... another day, another crash. --Laundry Room Graffito % There is no god and Murphy is his prophet % Sexuality is just sublimated religion % "Fear is the lock, and laughter the key to your heart." -Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young % "He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day- but that's not why *I* ran away" % "He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day- but that's not why *I* ran away" % "Well, we all got misery, but it passes, it always passes!"-Mike Feder,New_York_Son % "Psst! Father Restrepo! If that story about hell is a lie, we're all fucked, aren't we..." -Isabel Allende-_The_House_of_the_Spirits_ % "People are sheer stark raving crazy nuts. Quote me." -Jack Poderhotz, as quoted by Garrison Keillor % "Life is so peculiah don't let anybody fool ya!" --Five Guys Named Moe % "I had to shoot my dog!" "Oh, was it mad?" "Well, it wasn't happy." % Today is the first day of the rest of your short,brutish existence as a sentient creature before being snuffed out into utter nothingness for all eternity.-Matt Groening % Mickey: The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle. --Woody Allen, Hannah and Her Sisters % "Remember, there's no problem so complex it can't be solved by killing everyone even remotely associated with it." --ljd, Scorched Earth Party % "you're such a sensitive boy that sometimes I just wanna slap you really hard." --Aimee Lortskell % "Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle." --Author Unknown % The lady of the porcelain department Smiles at the world through a set of false teeth. She is business-like and keeps a pencil in her hair But behind her sharpened eyes take flight The summer evenings in the park And heated nights in second story dance halls. Man's life is powerless and brief and dark It is not possible for me to make her happy. --T.S.Eliot % after a bad call in a baseball game: Yogi Bera: "What would you do if I called you a fucking asshole?" Umpire: "I'd throw you right out of this game." Yogi Bera: "Well, I guess I'll just have to THINK IT." % Morons and fools lie down beside me. This is stranger than i've ever known. Flights of fancy leave every hour. The hint was caught but never quite thrown. % DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT % Insecurity knocks once in a while. Invite her in. Sit down, have coffee with her. And once you have heard Insecurity out for a while, take that sugar spoon and poke her in the eye. --Erica Bial % "Damn it, James, I'm as Almish as the next guy, but if we don't take out that sub there won't be a Pennsylvania to return TO." % the rain in spain falls mainly on me. % When it comes to love throw the dice. Embrace fate. What's the price? Nothing you can't afford to lose: Loneliness, some rights to choose; Solitaire, insecurity, Unstructured life, virginity. Youse pays yer dime youse takes yer chances-- Sometimes that is all romance is. For centuries the game's gone on And will be played once you are gone. Don't know the rules? Then fake them. Romances are half what you make 'em. Here's the point, (duly noted) Babe, you'll find these dice are loaded. % buster the sheep could never accept the mediocrity and anonimity that was his lot. He was convinced that the current ill treatment he was undergoing at the hands of the farmhand would someday be a chapter in his biography titled 'a star is shorn' % "If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." --Glenn, age 7 (thanks J.T.) % "In an upstairs room, a modem made a connection." --Lincoln Spector, Computer Currents % "Context is strawberries" bas-jan@seneca.demon.nl % "Every man should be lucky" --E.B.White, when asked to account for his literary achievments % Someone's Law: All the easy problems have already been solved % Science Fiction is our Sword of Damocles --Graffiti at Harvard Square % "Better to die in battle with a god than to live in shame" --Pharoah, The Ten Commandments % "Can it matter where or in whom you put it?" --Mark Antony, 81-30bc % "When life gives you poop, make poop juice." --Max Canon's Red Meat % "To create is divine to reproduce is human." --Man Ray % "Looking back on your life, what would you say satisfied you most?" "...I'd say women." --Interviewer and Man Ray (sculpter, photographer, artistic genius) % "Notice I didn't say 'TV'. 'TV' is a nickname. Nicknames are for friends. Television is not your friend." --sketch on Mr.Show % "And isn't sanity really just a one trick pony anyway? I mean all you get is one trick, rational thinking, but when you're good and crazy, oooh oooh oooh, the sky is the limit!" --The Tick % "When your phone don't ring, it'll be me." --George Jones % "Run a damp sponge across a bookshelf, and you pick up a few bits of defunct comets, of grime ground off colliding asteroids, and of powder left behind when the planets formed." --The New Yorker % In a lecture, Werner von Braun once said "Ve haf alvays been aiming for zer stars," and a little voice at the back replied, "But ve keep hittink London." % "If heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" --John Prine % "There is a fine line between genius and insanity; I play hopscotch." % Q.What did the buddhist say to hotdog vendor? A. "Make me one with everything" --Spare Change % clichis for a new millenium: whatever... turns you on bangs your head loves thy neighbor mows your lawn floats your boat touches your monkey milks your cow lights your fire sinks your battleship makes you happy drains your pool salts your margarita rolls your dice fills your sausage melts your chocolate % "The road to hell is paved with melting snowballs." --Larry Wall % "All science is either physics or stamp collecting." --Ernest Rutherford % "The question is complex and life is short." --Protagoras on the existence of the gods % "hey boy, ain't nothin' in the world worth dying for" --cop in car to fleeing motorcyclist % "When I kick at a cat, it's nearly always for a good reason." --Calvin Trillin % when you see infrared we're all luminescent --97-5-21 % Ringo: Really nice apartment, Chris. Chris: Thanks. Uh, I know you guys know him-- what do you think of Mick Jagger? John: Turrific lips. Paul: Gives me an erection joost watchin' 'im chew goom. --from Beat the Meatles, Chris Miller % kirk's moving rule no. 381: don't lose your damn keys % "if you ain't where you are you're nowhere" -Colonel Potter, M*A*S*H* % The cat is trying to open the door on the hinge side. I laugh, then realize that I make the same mistake with people, ideas, and doors, too. --New Yorker cartoon % "If you haven't been rejected three times this week then your not trying." --www.emtex.com/toptips % "Never, ever fall for a gal named after a flower, a gemstone or a month of the year." --www.emtex.com/toptips % "The best thing about the 90's is that it's almost over" -king@aiinc.com % "a dead whale or a stove boat" --traditional toast % I am a follower of the 'retard socratic method': ask a lot of leading questions, but have NO IDEA what the answer actually is. % Feeling Stressed Out? Sometimes it helps to think of happy scenes, maybe a pastoral field, a field with a babbling brook. You're there on a lovely summer's day... ...holding someone's head under the water. Now you're letting them up for a second, then blam! Back into the freezing water! Over and over again!! There! Feel better? % "maybe He doesn't WANT to cook a herring" -Bjorn % Jenny: Let me tell you something. Men and women want very different things out of sex. They've never forgiven each other. Irmy: Where would you say love came in? Dorry: Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever. --Woody Allen, Shadows and Fog % life goes on like melting ice you can't escape no plot device will free you from this slope of fate embrace risks don't hesitate --97-6-9 % "The claim that 'They laughed at Columbus' is tempered by the fact that they also laughed at Bozo the Clown." --NCAHF newsletter % Superhero stands arms akimbo. Below him the city is a neon sprawl. He aches. Too many arch-villains battled, too many last minute rescues. Thanks to certain fictional characters the world expects superhero to be invulnerable. But he's not. Superpowers are wear and tear on a body- the knees and back especially. And such bad karma- encountering all that evil and having all that power. You don't think evildoers try to make sweet sounding deals? As if superpowers and good intentions automatically came bundled with super morals. But now the city sleeps safely, and superhero calls it a day. % And they say sacrifice is letting sweet love go -Edie Brickel % "my henry to your june" --untested intellectual pickup line % "We don't want to get any more specific or else they'll yell at us more" --David Johnson during the defunct QA forum % "Never eat more than you can lift" --Miss Piggy % this morning i discovered my own Godel number... luckily my memory is so bad I forgot it before any harm was done... % John Cage pointed out that we are never in silence- in the stillest of rooms we carry the high pitched jangle of our nervous system, the low throb of coursing blood. 97-6-21 % "Aww you know you're my awesomest" "You're awesomest what?" "Nothing. Everything. You're just my awesomest." % "Life's too short to worry about it" % "Morality's lease is up and Science has the keys to the apartment." -Ander's Mad Scientist Page % "the post literate society- 'of COURSE I can read, but THANK GOD I don't have to.'" -Tom Lehrer % "Keep your knees loose" -old advice % you're my little guppy of love you're my little guppy of love like a little fishy darting in the sea swim away from danger swim right toward me you're my little guppy of love you're my little guppy of love 'cause you know that friendship is the salt in this ocean and physical attraction adds the wavelike motion you're my little guppy of love you're my little guppy of love 97-7-8 % boundaries form. Ice, scabs, jello skin, bread crust, relationships. 97-7-11 % What's the meaning of life? "I can't tell you, but I can dance it" --Woody Allen % "if time heals all wounds then why do we all have bellybuttons?" % If fireflies didn't exist we would be forced to invent them. % fight fire with napalm % Square peg in a round hole is a sound engineering principle. Easy to drill round holes, effecient to cut square pegs, and once pounded into place it's very sturdy. It's ironic how people misuse that idea. % "I want to live like I type- fast, and with lots of mistakes" % "The only intuitive user interface is a nipple" % twinkle twinkle rattle squeak how i wonder what you seek 97-7-26 % There are women who say: "For you I am ruining myself!" Others say: "You will despise me." These are only different ways of expressing the fatality of love. But she, she did not speak one word. -Barbey d'Aurevilly % "After all, those who can't repeat the past are condemned to remember it" --Mark O'Donnell, _Getting Over Homer_ % I think of a story Sean brought home from CYO camp, about an Indian brave so in love with a maiden from the tribe across the lake he tries to swim over to her and drowns. The punchline is, 'And from that day to this, it has been known as Lake Stupid.' --Mark O'Donnell, _Getting Over Homer_ % "some days are better than lovers" % I find my love fishing His feet in the shallows. We have breakfast together, And drink beer. I offer him the magic of my thighs He is caught in the spell. --Egyptian, from 1500-1000BC, translated by Ezra Pound and Noel Stock % Obscenity, by itself, is the last refuge of the vulgarian and the crutch of the inarticulate motherf**ker. --Lawrence Paros % "the only thing about masturbation to be ashamed of is doing it badly" --Freud % Meanwhile, Ziller was doing a bit of tasting himself. Amanda was melting in the glory of it. She felt like the frosting left on the spoon that iced the Cake of the World. --Tom Robbins "Another Roadside Attraction" % "Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat." --John Lehman, secretary of the navy 1981-1987 % "Sugar, your thighs are hives of honey, and I am the Bumble Bee of love." --Mary A. Koncel % I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from you. --Ashleigh Brilliant % "I'm going to kill everyone in this room." "Now that's DARN rude." --The Joker visits David Letterman, The Dark Knight Returns % it's not enough that life imitates art- it always has to imitate *bad* art % "Diet Dr Pepper is god's perfect softdrink" --Mad Mike % "I'm a slippery monster in a sticky world- this is no place for me" --Ickus, The Real Monsters % "never refuse a breathmint" --http://www.emtex.com/toptips % Catherine thought, perhaps if we travel together, I shall get to know them at last, for so far I have been all wrong, and they have turned out different to what I thought. How is one to know what people are like? ... Perhaps one can never know; perhaps people are uncapturable, and slip away like water from one's hand, changing all the time. --Rose Macaulay, "Staying with Relations" % kirk's law:the grass was always greener yesterday % "I come not to praise Orange Julius but to drink 'em" % "a soup can filled with black power..." --typo by Brian Trosko % "I do have a cause though. It's obscenity. I'm for it." --Tom Lehrer % "Do you come here often? Do I?" --Alzheimer's pickup line % Her eyes were cold and harsh, which made them tough to chew. --Roger Lee raj@netcom.com % "We will run amok together, and then, when we get tired, he will walk amok." --Jimmy Bond, Casino Royale % "let 'em all go to hell except cave 76" --Mel Brooks as the 2000 year old man % "The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female reptile, implying in a subtle, complimentary way that she was as succulent as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before."--F.Scott Fitzgerald % "True Love is just codependency with a better soundtrack" --Charles Peterman % "If anyone disagrees with anything I say, I am quite prepared not only to retract it, but also to deny under oath that I ever said it." --T. Lehrer % "We were once so close to heaven, Peter came out and gave us medals declaring us the nicest of the damned." --They Might Be Giants % the mule will work patiently for you for ten years for the chance to kick you once. --William Faulkner % "I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway." --Groucho Marx(?) % every first kiss feels like a miracle % "Programming is a series of discoveries leading you from one plateau of understanding to another... The trick is not to step in the stuff between the plateaus." --20 Past Midnight. % when it comes to romance: sometimes you're windshield sometimes you're bug. % "When hormones grab you it's bigger than you are" --John Updike, 97-10-3 % I love you, And would brave anything for you. Except bees. I'm allergic to bees. --Green Wave % "You have licked the lollipop of mediocrity and now you completely suck" --slambe@neilnet.com % we catch cold like bullets between our teeth --Marc D. Goldfinger, "This Autumn", Spare Change % windows 95, 98..what do they do after that? Suddenly my faith in Microsoft's handle on the millenium bug is diminished --Dylan, 97-10-6 % Well, that's all the dish for this time, true believers, but remember to keep looking at the stars, and then maybe one will fall on you. And I mean that in a pleasant way, not an unpleasant way. % "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." --Douglas Adams % No one feels good at four in the morning. If ants feel good at four in the morning --three cheers for the ants. And let five o'clock come If we're to go on living. --Wislawa Szymborska % some comparisons can't be compared to comparing apples + oranges % my knife has a wife but my spatula is a bachula --The Button % "Carpe Daemon - Seize the Background Process" --Paul Tomblin % Love is holding your breath and diving for pearls, only to get your leg clamped on by a giant clam that won't let go. At night, the sludge eels come. --Matt Groening, Life In Hell % "The death of God left the angels in very strange position." --Lions Unix Documentation % "Hypocrisy is the lubricant of a civilized society" --Arianna Huffington % "I miss her sometimes" I ran into my old girlfriend yesterday then I backed up and ran into her again... I miss her sometimes --lounge lizards, comedy central % On The Longevity of Mass Storage devices: another poster pointed out that storage devices like clay tablets and cave walls have been shown to outlast entire civilizations, though difficult to mount or backup.--wjh@teleport.com % " 'Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you've got about a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-- 'God damn it, you've got to be kind.' " --Kurt Vonnegut, God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater % I feel like a million tonight, but one at a time. --Mae West % "I want to do to you what the spring does to cherry trees." "I want to do to *you* what you do to chinese food." --tufts.general % I'll heal your wounds, I'll set you free I'm Jesus Christ on ecstasy --Nine Inch Nails % And in the dawn, there came a song, Of some sweet lady, singing in his ear, Your God has gone, and from now on, You'll have to learn to hate the things you fear. --cwagner@io.com (?) % I know: You say love when you mean control. --Sam Phillips % ...and when she looks up and asks you "what?" you say "nothing," when you really mean, "I love you." --abryant@cs.tufts.edu (?) % A witty saying proves nothing. --Voltaire % What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency. --George Jean Nathan % "I want to be reincarnated as seaweed" --Mo Roihl % "Cactus should *definately* taste like cocunut" % "If people think nature is their friend, then they sure don't need an enemy" --Kurt Vonnegut % "I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you any different." --Kurt Vonnegut % "I'm throwing away 3 eggs." "Don't throw them away, cook me an omelette." "Eggs are gross after 6 months." --Murray and Israel, 97-11-19 % Orpheus hesitated beside the black river. With so much to look forward to, he looked back. We think he sang then, but the song is lost. At least he had seen once more the beloved back. I say the song went this way: *O prolong Now the sorrow if that is all there is to prolong.* --Donald Justice, from "There is a Gold Light in Certain Old Paintings" % I cannot seperate her from the beautiful body. She has charm and a very gay spirit; in every way she's attractive. Intelligent and she reads good books. But it's the faultless body that forces me to make a fool of myself, pursuing a virtuous girl I could never possess. --James Laughlin (1914-1997) % "We're all soldiers in the war against entropy." --alt.folklore.computers % "I spent an interesting evening recently with a grain of salt." --Mark V. Shaney % "the day that you die will be like any other day, only shorter." --Beckett? % "No why. Just here." -John Cage, Life Magazine's "Why are we here" % "Eat bread and salt and always tell the truth." --Russian Proverb % You taught me language; and my profit on't is, I know how to curse; the red plague rid you, for learning me your language! --Caliban, The Tempest 1.2 % Two roads diverged in a wood, and I- I took the one less travelled by, Tripped over a branch, and broke my nose % I hear America singing, and doggone if someone's not flat. One of the tenors, I think. % an ant crossed the sidewalk in it's busy little industry i saw reflected the laws of god and man 'enough of this' i thought and crushed its tiny head % [fx:paper spilling] "Aw man, code just reviewed all over the floor!" --Bob S., before the big Catalyst code review % "If I can't be free, at least I'll be cheap"--some guy on the net % "...love is what *still* goes on when you are *not* horny." --Robert Heinlein % I guess the winter Makes you laugh a little slower Makes you talk a little lower... --Counting Crows % "... if cats looked like frogs, we'd understand what nasty, brutal little creatures they really are." --Terry Pratchett % "Tyler?" "Yeah?" "You are my trailer park." "And you, Anna-Louise, are my tornado." --Douglas Coupland, "Shampoo Planet" % "We are animals. Our first instinct when we see an object of beauty is to eat it." --Douglas Coupland, "Shampoo Planet" % Kaekel's Conjecture: Any neural system sufficiently complex to generate the axioms of arithmetic is too complex to be understood by itself. % "Civilization and science fight against the natural mistakes of our brains. It's a wonder of our species that we're learning to use our brains to fight our brains. If you feel it, but it isn't right, don't do it and don't believe it. We can be better than natural -- we're human." --Penn Jillette % Empty vase, empty sky, full sake cup and a lone drinker. --Basho % "Improvise. Adapt. Overcome." --222 Street Jazz % "the genius of Jimi Hendrix... was that he could stand up at all, he was so pumped full of drugs" --AbFab % Do you miss me? Come and kiss me. Never mind my bruises, Hug me, kiss me, suck my juices. --Christina Rossetti, "Goblin Market" % "Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing." --Charles Bukowski % In Europe men and women have intercourse because they love each other. In the South Seas they love each other because they have had intercourse. Who is right? --Paul Gauguin % "Anything worth doing well is worth doing slowly." --Gypsy Rose Lee % But in my arms till break of day Let the living creature lie, Mortal, guilty, but to me The entirely beautiful. --W.H Auden, from "Lullaby" % [paper spilling] "Aw man, code just reviewed all over the floor!" --Bob S., before the big Catalyst code review 97-12-2 % "If I cannot be free, I'll be cheap" --Joe Boswell % "...love is what *still* goes on when you are *not* horny." --Robert Heinlein % {making love stay is easy... It's lust that flees} --Tom Robbins % I guess the winter Makes you laugh a little slower Makes you talk a little lower About the things you could not show her And it's been a long December And there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last I can't remember all the times I've tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass --Counting Crows, A Long December % "... if cats looked like frogs, we'd understand what nasty, brutal little creatures they really are." --Terry Pratchett % I imagine I bury a pocket calculator with liquid crystals spelling her name, then watch the earth shoot forth lightning bolts --Douglas Coupland, "Shampoo Planet" % "Tyler?" "Yeah?" "You are my trailer park." "And you, Anna-Louise, are my tornado." --Douglas Coupland, "Shampoo Planet" % "We are animals. Our first instinct when we see an object of beauty is to eat it." --Douglas Coupland, "Shampoo Planet" % "What'll you do when you meet Heather-Jo on the beach in Malibu?" "Ask her to write her name in the sand, then roll in the words." --Douglas Coupland, "Shampoo Planet" % "I'm out to shave with Occam's Razor" % Kaekel's Conjecture: Any neural system sufficiently complex to generate the axioms of arithmetic is too complex to be understood by itself. % "He is the billboard of his own buffoonery." --dleeper@mail.com % Then I will tell you a great secret, Captain, perhaps the greatest of all time. The molecules of your body are the same molecules that make up this station, and the nebula outside-- that burn inside the stars themselves. We are starstuff. We are the Universe made manifest, tring to figure itself out. -Delenn, Babylon 5 All the molecules in your body were formed inside stars. We are the future of ancient stars. -The 1997 Nobel Conference. People and stars are made of the same stuff. -Bill Nye the Science Guy % "I think I love you, Ms. Pac-Man. I know your boyfriend. What do you see in him? He is round & yellow. Look at me. I am sexy and trim!" --Johnny Blue-jeans, VV % "You know, sometimes it annoys me that these cartoon characters have more power in this world than I do." --Dylan, on the coorporate power of Dilbert et al. % "There are many things I hope to experience with you. Reconstructive surgery is not one of them." % "I am a fish person." --Sarah Strachan % "We don't know if there's a god- but there *are* women..." --Woody Allen, "Deconstructing Harry" % "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride." "If lettuce were seagulls, burgers would fly." --Bizarro % "[having a kid] is like being in jail where you really love the warden." --patient on "Dr. Katz" % The poptart was a sacrifice to the twin gods of Matt and Steve. % My name is Leonardo I am a retardo I climb up the steeple And spit on the people And they say, "Hello-- What's your name?" My name is Leonardo... % "They go in and out- nipples. Stylistically I mean... uh, and physically." --Paul Morville on the relatively recent phenomenon of mannequins with nipples % "How do we stop an elephant if it goes berserk? What do we do? Do we use an AK-47? An M-16? An AR-15?... Frankly, would that stop an elephant? I really doubt it. Do they have a bazooka?" --US Senator Bob Smith, protesting plans in 1995 for a circus on Capitol Hill % "These guys idea of sex is five beers and- *UHHGHH!*" --C.P. % "Kirk is his own Enigma- 'I just don't understand myself'" --Paul Morville % "Funk is its own reward." --George Clinton % "Do you have any super powers?" "Of course I have super powers. I'm Schooly D." "Display them!" "I can't do that." "Why not?" "I'm not allowed to do it." "So you mean you don't have any." "Yeah." "So, the D stands for defenseless." --Space Ghost + Schooly D., Space Ghoast Coast to Coast % "Let our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ save *you*- over 50% per month on long distance and international calls over 20 minutes!" % "I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was. . . an artic wilderness." --Steve Martin % folly. 98-2-3 % "Is there a dream part you would like to play someday?" "A dumb guy with no dialogue. I hate dialogue." -The Onion's A.V. Club interviews Chow Yun-Fat % Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. -- Charlie Brown % An organism is not adapted to its environment. It is adapted to the environment of its ancestors. --Begon, Harper & Townsend. % "A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything." --Nietzsche % "I Defy Biology and Achieve Ignorance" "Without a hurt the heart is hollow" "Damn your kumquats!" --The Fantasticks % My favorite game is "Wind Up Kitty". This is when you take an adult, misanthropic cat and pick it up (kindly) by the midsection with one hand and hold it about 6 inches off the floor. With the other hand you twirl the tail (again, kindly; I'm not suggesting you twist it off) and make "rrrrr rrrr RRRR RRRR" noises. Then, when the cat is at his height of annoyance, put it down on the floor and let it go. The cat will speed off like one of those little cars. --alt.religion.kibology % "The desires of the heart are as crooked as corkscrews." --W.H.Auden % "If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast." --s.s.b-b % Never say anything more predictive than "Watch this!" -Ancient Advice % "I take Him shopping with me. I say, 'OK, Jesus, help me find a bargain'" --Tammy Faye Bakker % "i have a devilish craving for a small sausage" --Soviet Mayday Protester % "C is for salad, that's good enough for me [...] no, C is the abstract representation of this salad [...] I mean, C is a variable, to which I'm assiging the value of salad [...] I really like balsamic vinegar dressing." -mo, 98-3-7 % "Gosh, is this what life is all about?" --Anthony Colindres % "Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set fire to him, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -J. Heyes-Jones % "The Germans are a cruel people. Their operas last for six hours and they have no word for fluffy." -Black Adder % "Vikings? There ain't no vikings here. Just us honest farmers. The town was burning, the villagers were dead. They didn't need those sheep anyway. That's our story and we're sticking to it." --viking@probe.net % "It's a sad ass that never rejoices." --Someone's grandfather caught farting % "All women are either girls, women, or men. And all men are either men, boys, or hairdressers [...] Sigourney Weaver is a man. Jane Fonda is a man. Diane Keaton is a girl. Jessica Lange is a woman. Mel Gibson is a boy, Clint Eastwood is a man. Cary Grant is a hairdresser." --Cynthia Heimel quoting Felicity quoting Will Wenham's theory % I am nuts for information-- as are we all, I suspect, most real men and women. I can't get enough of the stuff. When I'm clicking through the hundreds of E-mail messages that await me each morning, sometimes I imagine I'm a mighty information whale, sifting through thousands of tiny (but nutritious!) krill bits. Yum! Whether it's reading the cereal box or scanning the advertisment slide show some genius thought to project on the big screen at the movie theater, my appetite for information is unquenchable. --Joshua Quittner % "The beatings will continue until morale improves" % "Some people have a way with words, others have not way." --Steve Martin % "Love isn't something you can wrap in chains and throw in a lake. That's Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot." --Jack Handey % SCORPIO: Remember, torturing animals is wrong, unless it is for cosmetic reasons -- because the only thing worse than a dead cat is an ugly woman. PISCES: You should be proud of your idea. It is a very good idea. To combine a spork with a spork and make a very spork. That's invention! --Max the Psychic % KNOCK KNOCK who's there? ANXIOUS COW anxio MOO!! KNOCK KNOCK COW WITH ESP --Steve Sian % "You cannot allow the temple of justice to be defiled." --Ken Starr, right before issuing a subpeona to bookstores frequented by Monica Lewinsky. % "I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half." --Jay Gould, Gilded-Age Industrialist % "Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more." -- Erica Jong % "Pierre A. von Kaenel" writes: > "Simplify, simplify, simplify" - Thoreau Shouldn't that be just "Simplify"? --Dave Sill % The next time you are contemplating a decision in which you are debating whether or not to go for the gusto, ask yourself this important question: "How long am I going to be dead?" With that perspective, you can now make a free, fearless choice to do just about any goddamned sneaky thing your devious little mind can think up. Go ahead. Have your fun. You're welcome. Go on. See you in hell. --Matt Groening, "So You Want To Have A Shameful Affair Yet Somehow Can't Justify It", Love Is Hell % "To make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe" --Carl Sagan % "So many women, so little nerve." --Bruce Bethke, "Headcrash" % "Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: This is the ideal life." --Mark Twain % Don't worry if one person is not showing the same love that someone else has shown you. No two loves are the same. -Taxi Driver Wisdom (NYC) % Love is 90% responsibility. Whatever that other 10 percent is, it must be quite something. -Taxi Driver Wisdom (NYC) % Time goes. That's it. -Taxi Driver Wisdom (NYC) % "So Zeus was like their President Bill Clinton?" --Schoolchild in New Yorker Cartoon % "Wow, I've got my denial mojo working!" --Jay Sherman, "The Critic" % TVG: Do you think you've changed enough that you could settle down and get married? Madonna: Is getting married the only way to settle down? TVG: No, but it helps. --TVGuide interviews Madonna % First Law of Humanics: Even complete jerks deserve a second chance --Bruce Bethke, "Headcrash" % "Which will last longer - Mickey Mouse or Walt Disney Incorporated?" --Koan posed by Danny Hillis % doorhinge (roughly) rhymes with orange but month stands alone. % In the spring, a young man's fancy iightly turns to thoughts of what The older man, throughout the year, Has never even once forgot Isaac Asimov, "The Sensuous Dirty Old Man" % 'The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock at the door...' the shortest SF-story ever, by Fredric Brown. % "Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it." --Alice Walker % Earwigs, as in ere-wig-o-again. This debate will run and run. There was no year 0 to 400ish, and in fact the calendar was constructed by back calculation by Exegius (who got it wrong) and Bede (who made it worse). We are stuck with the 7ish year error, and the missing 0, so that 1AD follows 1BC, so we might as well have the party to celebrate the carry propagation. --H.H.vanRiel@phys.uu.nl % "We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation." -- Lily Tomlin % "Skeptics say that a company fitness program will not succeed. Let's do some aerobics and see who's right!" OUCH! OW! WHAP! UNH! "The skeptics are right." "We usually are." --Dilbert % Blah, blah, blah. Whatever, blah, blah, etcetera, etcetera. --Ratbert's short story for impatient people % And when your only hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb. --unknown % "When you really think about Christianity, it is a religion without a penis." --Tori Amos % "The ant's a centaur in his dragon world" -- Ezra Pound, Canto LXXXI % "There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in the middle of the night?'" % "Time is a play thing. But when it breaks, you're fucked." --Phillip Zibilich % Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children. --MIT lab knife warning % For once, somebody may call me "Sir" without adding, "...you're making a scene." --Homer Simpson % As for kissing on the first date, you should never date someone whom you would not wish to kiss immediately. --Mr. Blue on Salonmagazine.com % "I really *like* gratuitous nudity. I hate it when people go, 'I'll only do it if it makes sense for the movie.' That's such a crock ... it never makes sense. So I like it-- the more gratuitous the better.''--David Duchovny on "Access Hollywood.'' % "Indians testing nuclear bombs? They can't even get my tandoori right." --Chris Knight, Chiropractor "I'm just glad American Indians don't have the bomb. Talk about heap big payback for Paleface." --Josh Carter, Sales Representative "God, the Indians are so much more in touch with their spiritual side, aren't they?" --Lori Backman, Mathematician "I just hope the Indians love their children, too." --Joseph Teufel, Landscaper --The Onion, "India and The Bomb" % I've got a strong urge to fly But I've got nowhere to fly to Roger Waters, Nobody Home, The Wall, Pink Floyd % "I think art should be in the place in our culture where religion used to be. Where magic used to be, there should be art." --Teller % We come together making chance into starlight --Jeff Buckley % "We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish." --20 Past Midnight % My love of haiku Was small as a cicada And then got smaller. --Mr. Blue % "You killed my mammy! You killed my pappy! And you split my lip!" --Carolyn See quoting the worst mini-series ever. % If I haven't seen further, it is by standing in the footprints of giants --~kzm , ketil@ii.uib.no % Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's women's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with. % Q: You're also involved in the Humanitarian Reform Movement. A: I see you scanned my website. You worked really hard. Did you listen to the record too? Q: Yeah. And I watched the short film you made to accompany Ophelia, in which you speak, like, four languages. A: Five. Six, if you include English. Q: Six languages? Are you showing off? A: *Oy vay!* Q: That's, like, a seventh language. A: You're annoying me. It's like being interviewed by the biggest snotty bullyboy in the world. Q: It's just that you seem kind of serious. What do you do for fun? A: I don't really have wacky momemnts. It's more of finding the humor in people and situations. I don't wake up in the morning and say, I'll be wacky today. What do you do to be wacky, Joel? A: Ask annoying questions of female vocalists. --Joel Stein interviews Natalie Merchant % "I am a thing of beauty." --Frank Sinatra % My favorite is The Invisible Man, because in great scene Invisible Man eats large bowl of cookies. All you see are cookies. No distractions. Me like that. --Cookie Monster, asked by Time to name Favorite Movie Monster. % "I'm a good influence on everyone I meet-- but they don't realize until decades later. That's what I keep telling myself." --David Johnson, 98-6-17 % "What kind of a loser comes in at 12 and leaves at 2?" "The other name for that is executive." --Dave + Bob % "It's hard to get excited about a company that has delusions of mediocrity." --John Lammers on IDD, 98-6-18 % not better than sex, pretty ok afterwards. --Pete's ESP Lager % The biggest problem with y'all is that you are riddled with sin. I'll betcha you've got unicorns, rock'n'roll records, secular books, Nintendos, Smurfs cartoons on them fancy VCR tapes, and other stuff that draws you toward Satan's stronghold." --God's Hatchetman % "Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it." --W. Somerset Maugham % "As they say in my country, the only thing that separates us from the animals are mindless superstition and pointless ritual." --Latka Gravas in "Taxi" % "Hello Fish!" "Hello Aquaman!" "Have you seen anything unusal or suspicous, here under the water?" "......Hello Aquaman!" --comedian on Dr. Katz on why Aquaman sucks. % "[Hume] was willing to live with uncertainty, with no supernatural justifications, no complete explanations, no promise of permanent stability, with guides of merely probable validity; and what is more, he lived in his world without complaining, a cheerful stoic."--Peter Gay % "Since God is silent, man is his own master; he must live in a disenchanted world, submit everything to criticism, and make his own way." --Peter Gay % A professor of physics is talking to the university president about needing several hundred thousand dollars for research equipment. The president replies "Your research is so expensive. Why can't you be more like the mathematicians - all they need is paper, a pencil, and a wastebasket. Or better yet, the philosophers - they don't even need a wastebasket." % Stegosaurus Two words: spiked tail. "Oh, so you're sneaking up behind me to eat my delicious body? WHAM! Spikes! For you! In your head!" --Brunching Shuttlecocks, http://www.brunching.com % Winnie-the-Pooh I have to admit a soft spot in my heart for Pooh, even through years of overzealous merchandising. He eats, he sleeps, he makes up dumb little songs. That's pretty much what'd I'd be doing if I lived in a tree trunk. --Brunching Shuttlecocks, http://www.brunching.com % "Ninjas aren't dangerous. They're more afraid of you than you are of them." --wjhardaker@ucdavis.edu % skepticism=heroism % Just an article detector on the Information Supercollider. % "When you eat meat you are eating murder, blood, death, fat, cholesteral, muscle, connective tissues, veins, corpse, rat hairs, lips, assholes, eyeballs, guts, and flies." -- Jill Ballard Mmmm! I'd like seconds, please! --alt.tasteless % "Is God willing to prevent evil but not able? Then he is impotent. Is he able but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Whence then is evil?" --David Hume % Zoe Love (zoe@welcomehome.org) wrote: : I like my coffee like i like my men: : Pale, weak & bitter. : : -- Zoe, the happy love slave I like my humans like I like my coffee: Stuffed in an air tight bag and all the air sucked out until it collapses down and squeezes them into a hard little brick. % "... I've seen Sun monitors on fire off the side of the multimedia lab. I've seen NTU lights glitter in the dark near the Mail Gate. All these things will be lost in time, like the root partition last week. Time to die...". - Peter Gutmann in alt.sysadmin.recovery % I want to live forever or die in the attempt I want to live forever or die trying % "Love is two chicks cybersurfing in the direction of the Love Blender." -- M. E. Cablemann % "Men are like fudge: sweet, but dense and rarely good for you." -- Audrey Walton-Hadlock, '99 % "We are *all* standing in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." -- Oscar Wilde. % "It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious." --Oscar Wilde % "Sleep... Those little slices of death; O how I LOATH them!" -- Edgar Allen Poe % Here are some of the more interesting things I've [Shane Drew] learned in my classes in my four years at Tufts: 1. Beef jerky was first extensively eaten by the Mayan Indians. 2. How to determine the 12th digit of a UPC symbol. 3. The guy who INVENTED Modern Algebra (Galois) died at age 21. 4. When counting cards in Blackjack, tens and face cards are -1, 3-6's are +1. 5. The earth is the only place in the solar system where you can stand naked and still survive. 6. The clitoris was first (officially) discovered in 1559 by Dr. Reginald Columbus in Padua, Italy. 7. At the age of nine, Gauss derived the formula for the sum of the first n integers. 8. If you're ever playing Let's Make a Deal, always switch doors. 9. My advisor's research is on the topology of soap bubbles. 10. The numbers 220 and 284 are "friendly numbers". % Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) % There once was a lady from Crewe Whose limerics went to line two. There once was a man from Verdun. There once was a lady from Bree Whose limericks went to line three, And never went farther. There once was a man on the floor Whose limericks went to line four. He'd start up the trend, and then it would end. There once was a man from the Styx Whose limericks went to line six. He never did know How far they should go, And never did bother to fix Them at all. % Unix IS *very* user-friendly-- it's just very particular as to who it makes friends with... % "To K.S. -- I've been wanting to say these three special words for a long time now, so here it goes. 'Wow! Great ass!'" % Scully and Mulder, however, seem well-matched to their adversaries. Mulder's supposedly the intuitive one, evidenced by his insight as he flees an explosives-laden building that "something's wrong." Similarly, Scully, the smart one, sees a patch of emerald-green grass in the middle of the desert and is quick to conclude that "something's unusual." --Mr. Cranky, http://www.mrcranky.com/ % "I wish you luck with a capital F." --Elvis Costello % "I'm not a vegetarian because I like animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." --A Whitney Brown % "Menu items are the modern programmer's way -- even that of the Java programmer, who is too pure of heart to use pointers -- of putting an obscene number of unpredictable GOTO statements everywhere in his code." % So we keep asking, over and over, Until a handful of earth Stops our mouths-- But is that an answer? --Henrich Heine, "Lazarus" % "...the greatest bargain since Jesus bar-Miriam was was sold for thirty pieces of silver to the Romans, who, God wot, have been selling him ever since..." -- Avram Davidson, "The Redward Edward Papers" % i seem to be constantly reminded that everything is temporary. the older i get, the more this bothers me. -- http://dancy.franz.com/~virago/ % Why is ice-cream-on-a-stick so much better when it's in the shape of a cartoon head? --98-7-4 % Love is an exploding cigar which we willingly smoke. Got a light, hon? --Lynda Barry % "How was it for you?", the larded one asks. "It was a bit like sex, only shorter", she replies. --alt.flame % "Striving for excellence, like a moth beating itself to death on the side of a light bulb." --Josh Space, church of josh % "Rakes and hoes," so says the Rose, "The blood still flows and no one knows the way mud goes between the toes." % Nature is that lovely lady to whom we owe polio, leprosy, smallpox, syphilis, tuberculosis and cancer. % "I realize that each day is a gift. Now it's a matter of figuring out how to exchange fourteen thousand six hundred of them." --New Yorker Cartoon by B.E.K. % "I view the progress of science as ... the slow erosion of the tendency to dichotomize." --Barbara Smuts, U. Mich. % [On not feeling 'House-on-Fire' Love] I speak as one whose house has burned a few times, and while it is a glorious experience and while I pity anyone whose house doesn't at least have serious smoke damage, there is no connection between this and a sustained relationship. --Mr. Blue % And remember that sleep is a form of meditation and a good night's sleep can solve difficult problems. It really can. --Mr. Blue % They have already forgiven Clinton not only for his dalliance but for lying about it, and they have forgiven him not because they are indifferent to it, not because they don't care, not because "the economy is good," not because they find the behavior admirable, but because what they cannot forgive is Kenneth Starr's asking about it in the first place. --Steve Erickson, www.salonmagazine.com % > > P.S. There's nothing like the sound of the pipes (played by > > someone good) to make you feel home sick. > > Rather depends where home is, surely? :-) Not really... Whenever I hear bagpipes I want to go home, mainly because my home doesn't have anyone playing bagpipes in it. --cam.misc % Listen, kid, stop adding up batting averages in sports pages. Go outdoors. Play in the sun and have fun, now, before it's too late, because before you can say Jack Robinson, twilight falls and the game will be over. --The Boston Globe Ombudsman % "Without music, life would be a mistake. ...I would only believe in a God that knew how to dance." --Friedrich Nietzsche % Let me walk you through this: If there were such things as angels, which there are not, and if there were such a thing as God, which there is not, God and his heavenly host would have more important things to do than stand at the foot of your bed and watch you get fucked in the ass. Angels, despite the pop-culture moment they're currently enjoying, do not exist. --Dan Savage % "You're unnatturally mean spirited today, Kirk" "Me? Are you serious?" "Well, in a friendly kind of way I guess." --John Lammers + Kirk Israel 98-7-23 % "The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I'm left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember." --George Carlin % Boss: There are no new original ideas! Me: I've heard that. --ed@csd.uwm.edu % It's the ones who resist that we most want to kiss Wouldn't you say? --George Michael, "Cowboys and Angels" % Questioning the Religous System = MetaSin = Medicine. Heh. % > > All positive integers are interesting! > Any doubters? No, no, no. All positive integers are boring. Proof by contradiction: Let n be the smallest non-boring positive integer. So what? QED. --sci.math % All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. --/usr/bin/fortune % mrs.major betty israel is a BAD GIRL -Sarah % "Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated." --R. Drabek % I still don't think we have much to worry about. You could spend the rest of the millennium thinking about the myriad of small, detailed problems that will crop up when the chronometer rolls over, but I still say that overall this is primarily a management problem, not a computer problem. I think we can be sure that the biggest technical problems will be solved, and at worst we will be faced with some (maybe many) minor hassles. We can't cure every computer system, but we can identify those which must be cured, and focus on them. The really bad stuff won't happen. When non-critical systems fail, they will be fixed or replaced on a priority basis. Someday we will look back on this and laugh the way we do at people who panicked over the passing of Haley's comet last century. People always fear what they don't understand, and the y2k problem is so widespread (but not necessarily so bad or dangerous), that it's hard for one person to comprehend -- hence the fear reaction. Fortunately, one person does not have to fix this whole thing. --David Johnson on Y2K % "There are two adults and one child. Majority rules. Live like an animal or die." --My Father on the Family % "Jerry, you are a morality-free zone" -- 'Sliding Doors' % "Evolution is blind to the future." --Richard Dawkins % The midwest: the milkshake of human kindness. % Vonnegut quoting Saul Bellow's realisation that we should that which comes easily and naturally, not seek out grand challenges. % Car broke down Wife left me. Life is lite, and then Hefty. --Rand Carlson % "There's always a little bit of heaven, even in a disaster area." --Wavy Gravy % There hasn't been this kind of upheaval in Beantown since John Adams leaned over stoically to Paul Revere, bared his yellow teeth, and whispered, "I've always loved you, my man. I'll always think about your naked ass between my fingers." --HoleCity.com,"Avenge" % "While making 'Supercop,' I dislocated a cheekbone. I didn't even know you could do that." --Jackie Chan % "Say the purpose of sex isn't procreation or recreation. Say it's concentration. Say it makes you focus on the person you're sleeping with, 'cause there's just too many other people in the world. It's like biological highlighter. [...] Look for me first, in any crowded room, and I'll do the same" --Lyle Lovett, The Opposite of Sex % For him, having sex came as naturally as breathing. Even more so. Which may have explained his fascination with autoerotic aphyxiation... % "Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love you knowing nothing?" -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions % "[falling in love is] Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." --Roger, 9 % "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." --Christine, 9 % "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." --Bobby, 8 % "Don't forget your wife's name...that will mess up the love." --Roger, 8 % "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out." --Randy, 8 % Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex acts. Our society should be purged of the perverts who provide the media with pornographic material while pretending it has some redeeming social value under the public's 'right to know'. -- Kenneth Starr?, 1987, "Sixty Minutes" % Along the way you ran into dangerous enemies described in the [Mighty Bomb Jack] manual like this: "Rube: It is very much revengeful towards Jack, and it pursues him endlessly." Translation: "Ha ha, American. Tecmo no hire no one for speak English make manual of you." --Seanbaby % Van Ho, Van Ho! It's off to march he goes- he trips and falls and marks time wrong- Van Ho, Van Ho Van Ho Van Ho! 98-9-25 % THE LIVING END Before long the end Of the beginning Begins to bend To the beginning Of the end you live With some misgivings About what you did. --Samuel Menashe % Religion is like masturbation because: It doesn't produce anything. Nothing is created by it. A lot of people spend a lot of time at it and derive a great deal of pleasure and satisfaction from it. Most important, polite people do it in private. --alt.fan.cecil-adams % "Levi, want to wear my vest? It's a zipper...." (Hells Angel seducing Almish Man in drug selling incident) - Suzanne Westenhoffer % "Cynicism in a writer is not just bad faith, it's a critical wound. " --Mr. Blue % As we get older, we accumulate certain griefs that never go away. They're simply a part of our lives. We can still be happy and productive, but they never go away. --Door interview with Garrison Keillor % ...the universe is only five days old (it only seems to be much older because when God made it five days ago, He made lots of instant "memory"-laden adults, libraries full of apparently ancient books, mountains full of brand-new fossils, and so forth) --Douglas Hofstadter % "fiction gives aspirations to our relationships" % "Where's the pep spirit?" "Pap smear?" "Pot smoke?" --Mike+Mo, EHS Homecoming 98-10-9 % Falling in love happens like multiplication. Unfortunately, broken hearts heal only at the slow pace of addition. 98-10-13 % "It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness." --Tolstoy % Geek Code v3.1 GCS/L d(--) s:+ a-- C++ US+ P+++ L+ E W+++ N++ o+ K+ w++ !O !M+ V PS+ PE+ Y PGP t 5 X R- tv- b++ DI++ D++ G- e++ h- r++ y+ % On losing Daylight Savings Time: Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. Well I say fuck 'em both. 98-10-26 % If penises could walk and talk, the circumcised penis would be a suit and tie, a clean shave and a shoulder-high salute. The intact penis would be a rumpled shirt, a five o'clock shadow and a finger flipping you the bird. --Debra S. Ollivier % "Our research and experience show that there is nothing in life more fun than the military." --Capt. Mike Doubleday % "It's a hell of a thing, killing a man. You take away all he is, and all he's ever gonna be." --Clint Eastwood, Unforgiven % Maharaja Bhupendra Singh of Patiala (1670-1733) - 365 wives Once said, "wine, fish, meat, alcohol and plenty of sex was good for the soul." A toweringly handsome Sikh with a colorful personality, he was famed for his sexual prowess and appetite and forever on the lookout for pretty women, even going so far as to kidnap them when they refused his overtures. Every evening he would light 365 lanterns around his palace, each with the name of one of his wives inscribed on it. The wife whose lamp went out first would be his for the night. For leap years, he'd take the night off. --World Sexual Records, http://ccwf.cc.utexas.edu/~jmeans/WSR.html % Sarah Bernhardt (1844-1923) A tireless French actress, Sarah went through more than 1,000 lovers in her colorful life, many of them famous writers and artists. She once observed, "It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich." Sarah often slept in a rosewood coffin lined with letters from her lovers. --World Sexual Records, http://ccwf.cc.utexas.edu/~jmeans/WSR.html % And so I'm leaving You can find out how much better things can get And if it helps I'd say I feel a little worse than I did when we met (So when you find someone else You can try again, Might work next time) --Dar Williams, "As Cool As I Am" % "Man Prone To Lying Beds Woman Prone To Lying Prone" --The Onion headline, Nov 18 1998 % You must always distribute and consume Tic Tacs® in twos, otherwise you're just dealing with Tics. 98-11-21 % the dye is cast the dice are rolled i feel like shit you look like gold % "Rationality tied to moral decency is the most powerful joint instrument for good that our planet has ever known." --Michael Shermer % "Helen doesn't nag. She just mentions the hell out of things." --Mr. Vanderpoel % MEDIOCRITY "It takes a lot less time and most people won't notice the difference until it's too late." INEPTITUDE "If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly." PROCRASTINATION "Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now." STUPIDITY "Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those that never win AND never quit are idiots." DEFEAT "For every winner, there are dozens of losers. Odds are you're one of them." MISTAKES "It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others." Demotivators, http://www.despair.com % "Love? What is it? Most natural pain killer what there is. L O V E" --William Burrough's Journal % Q. How do you make a cat go 'woof'? A. Drench it in gasoline and flick a match at it! Q. How do you make a dog go 'meaow'? A. Deep freeze it, and run it through a power saw! % "God bless... God damn." --last words of James Thurber 1961 % "I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring." --last words of Richard Feynman, 1988 % "Either that wallpaper goes, or I do." --last words of Oscar Wilde 1900 % "No no- not my eyes! Great God of Rabbits, how that hurts!" --Thumper being mauled by the wise old owl % "No matter how many tricks you do, you will still bore the cat." --Marmaduke % "Intelligence is no impediment to stupidity" --Wayne Green % On the death of a baby racoon: "It's either mean or it's arbitrary, and either way I've got the heebie-jeebies." --Calvin % "He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day- but that's not why *I* ran away." 99-1-9 % "It's Time To Party Like It's This Year!" --Jackie Harvey's "The Outside Scoop", The Onion % For the past month or so I haven't been able to shake the feeling that winter consists of the Arctic forces reaching south, trying to take over our land. 99-1-14 % "[World War I] changed the language. It made patriotic words sound hollow, unacceptable, ridiculous" --Stephen E. Ambrose, "Citizen Soldiers" % "God damn the bastards, they got me. The hell with it." --Pvt. Jack Leonard, D-Day % "Fuck you, Hemingway." --Pvt. Jack Crawford, Late Summer 1944 % "Life is not for amateurs." --Mort Gerson % What we really need is "Prozac for Sharks" to make our seas safe. % "I'm Drew Carey, God's Hackey-Sack" % "I think I have attention deficit whatever." --Tina the Troubled Teen % Love is less about the perfect moments and more about how you handle the imperfect ones. 99-1-25 % "Mobility is Nobility" --Timothy Leary % "Winter is acommin' in, let us sing Goddamn." --Ezra Pound % "Sisyphus has a sense of playfulness [...] you have to look at it from the rock's point of view." --Pointy Haired Boss, Dilbert (TV) % "I have heard of a drinking game associated with "2001: A Space Odyssey" - You drink every time someone speaks. By the end of the movie, you are still sober." --friedman@Xenon.Stanford.EDU % "Why Do You Persist In Tormenting Me So?" % "Secular schools can never be tolerated because such schools have no religious instruction, and a general moral instruction without a religious foundation is built on air; consequently, all character training and religion must be derived from faith . . . we need believing people." --Adolf Hitler, 1933-04-26 % "The Blues isn't about feeling better-- it's about making other people feel worse." --Bleeding Gums Murphy % I like a good time as much as the next guy. I'm just not... the next guy. --Next Stop Wonderland % I just got cable and I feel like I brought home a big bag of heroin. There's some excitement (oh boy, I'm going to try heroin!) mixed with a lot of fear (wait a minute; I'm going to be a junkie). --http://www.subatomichumor.com % Who were the Celts, anyway? Some kind of ancient culture. Some kind of ancient *loser* culture. They didn't even build stonehenge -- that was the Druids. So, even by the standards of other backwards, ancient, loser cultures, the Celts were underachievers. --http://www.subatomichumor.com % "God or somebody save us from any society founded on Darwinian principles." --Richard Dawkins % Too often we take stair railings for granted. We use them and don't even think about them. I guess that's an example of good design. 99-2-9 % I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell "Whoa, I'm way too high!" --Mark Pitta % Then's the moment not to be astounded When you find you've been merry-go-rounded --Ogden Nash, Vernen Jordan, "Roundabout" % POST FACTO: Her: "Mmmm, I love simultaneous orgasms." Him: "Guhhhkkguh..." % "Life is what happens while you're busy looking for a parking space." --John Seabrook % "Uncertainty in the pressure of vivid hopes and fears is painful, but must be endured if we wish to live without the support of comforting fairy tales." --Bertrand Russell % "S+M is more than just pain..." "Oh, I know-" "Yeah, but the pain's important too." 99-2-20 % unix love: gawk, date, finger, wait, unzip, touch, nice, suck, strip, mount, fsck, umount, make clean, sleep. --norman@arcady.u-net.com (NF Stevens) % The Difference Between Pornography and Erotica is Lighting." --Gloria Lenoard % sesquipedalian: given to or characterized by the use of long words % "When they ask me what I liked best, I'll say it was you." --Maggie Rice, City of Angels % "If people were going to use computers all day, everyday, the design of such machines was not solely a technical problem-- it was also an aesthetic one. *A lousy interface would mean a lousy life.*" --Myron Krueger % "An art form based on the computer should be impossible without it." --Myron Krueger % You might like to know that *every* national anthem in the world can be sung with the words "I am right and you are wrong". Try it -- you'll annoy the *hell* out of people (the USSR is one of the hardest to make scan, but even it works, after a fashion. US, UK, Germany, France dead easy.) --Alan Lothian % "The past resembles the future as water resembles water" --Ibn Khaldun (1332-1406) % Don't theorize about your own romances, friend. Be thrilled, be ecstatic, be desolate, but don't be an expert about you and the people you love and why it happened. With love, the pleasure is in the details, not in the theory. Love has to do with her eyes, the touch of her hand, her voice, her laughter, how it felt to stand next to her and feel her brush against you, how it felt to see her after a long absence. Love isn't a Problem to sit around and discuss. If your heart still longs for her, then you are in love, and her idea about why it didn't work out is something that may give her consolation but it doesn't mean anything to you or me. --Mr. Blue % > Jesus knows how to get down! Somebody must've taught Him then, because the last I heard, He couldn't. Jesus Christ on a dance floor: "Help! I've risen but I can't get down!" --Delain, Expert Doughminatrix % [ courtesy of daniel ] Nothing good comes from phone calls at three a.m. "I'm so sorry," she began. The caller ID said the rest. --bittersweets.org % "A small anarchic community of wireheads and hackers made the mistake of giving fire to the masses. Nobody is going to give it back. It is paradise lost." --John Markoff % The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts. --Bertrand Russell % "Forget her, Stanely... That girl will tear your heart out, put it in a blender, and hit frappe" --The Mask % "Life is a 3-D movie without the glasses." --Ronnie Shakes % "Don't matter how gorgeous she is, some guy's tired of her." --alibaba@Hawaii.edu's grandpaw % When he was growing up, my father lived under what he likes to describe as "harsh circumstances" in a small, ugly apartment. By harsh circumstances my father means that they had a curtain instead of a bathroom door. He never had a bedroom and had to sleep on a back-breaking foldout sofa and go to work before and after school, shining shoes and selling newspapers. He has a point there, that's harsh. Unfortunately, they never gave him a medal for it and as a result he brings it up time and time again. --David Sedaris, "My Manuscript" % "The first time ever kissed a man I was in a blue rental Geo Metro." --D. % empty dorm room; two red earrings by the unmade bed % Massachusetts Institute of Technology physicist Walter Lewin has calculated that there are 80 billion trillion atoms in a dollar bill! --Ripley's Believe It or Not!, 99-4-15 % "Lets remember to pray for Mrs. Lance- she injured herself quite seriously, breaking her leg in two places." "Sounds like we have to keep her out of those kinds of places..." --Mrs. Wood and Mrs. Israel % "Don't call me a bitch when we're making love, it really pisses me off." % "Turnpike!" "Where? Did you see a sign?" "No, for a name: Turnpike Israel." "Grrr- how about 'Dumbass Israel'?" K+R Summer 1996 % "Evaporation is God's paper towel" --Dylan Murray % "Whoa, like, lay off my headbone, daddy-o." The Onion's Our Dumb Century, "Area Beat Beaten" % "Life's to short to buy green bananas" --check slogan % Jon: Sometimes I believe in god. Nancy: Really? Jon: Yeh, like on perfectly still summer days, when there's no movement at all. Then I try to light a cigarette, and a big gust of wind comes and blows out my match. Frickin' god! He's such a goodie good. Nancy: Yeh. --http://www.advancednet.net/objectcity/o.htm % A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. --In the August 1993 issue of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance % This site was made possible by a grant from Atlantic Puppy-Grinding Company. "It may be cruel, but think of the jobs!" --http://members.tripod.com/~tzimisce69/ % "The voters are not always smart. They're not always intelligent about the issues." --Jesse "The Governer" Ventura % "You cannot move mountains if you believe them to be mountains. You must think of them as collections of small stones, which can be moved one at a time, and then reassembled." --The Tao of Meow % "Don't think of it as programming. think of it as warfare." --Dmitry Orlov,99-5-13 % "What is it with this chick, she have beer flavored nipples?" --10 Things I Hate About You % "A dead man could get up a better legend than this one. I don't mean a fresh dead man either; I mean a man that's been dead weeks and weeks." --Mark Twain, Life on the Mississippi % "I'm just a walking mountain of testosterone. Step off." --99-5-15, Dylan's Goodbye Brunch % "Dixie to Cicero: The Jazz Migration" [...] Songs include: "She Be Big, Maybe Too Big Blues," "Can I Has Yo Fish?", and the classic "Wha's Dis on Yo Shoe?" --Humans % "Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret." --TWENTY PAST MIDNIGHT, 99-5-22 % "Why do you suppose we only feel compelled to chase the ones who run away?" "Immaturity?" --Dangerous Liason % Of course, degeneration is programmed into our DNA: Nature seems to want us to reproduce and then fall by the wayside. But your generation wants to hang onto its youth into its 90s, on the theory that if you stay around long enough maybe you can get your life together. --Mr.Blue % Dear Social Arbiters: I hear you can tell what kind of a lover a man is by the way he dances. Is that true? Melissa Dear Melissa: Yes, it's simple. A man who is a good dancer is not a good lover. No one knows why this is true. No evidence about women has yet been published. Social Arbiters --Cynthia Heimel, "But Enough About You" % Through the twilight, / I can hear the humming Of a melancholy tune. For the memories that still linger,/ I thank you Mr. Moon. And, although I've never smiled, /Winter, summer, autumn too, Now here's one tune to remind me / why I feel so blue... Tubas in the Moonlight Playing for me all night Tell me what I want to hear... Am I only dreamin'? Am I only schemin? Stars above me, shining brightly... Why can't she be sitting here beside me? Tubas in the moonlight Will bring my loved ones home --Dave Gannett, "Tubas From Hell" % Remember: revenge is the best revenge. --Cynthia Heimel, "But Enough About You" % Even the broken letters of the heart Spell...Earth. [...] Even the earth of the brokenhearted can heal --Daniel Thompson (in Spare Change) % "Lips kissed for the first time are kissed forever." --Sandra Bernhard, "Love, Love, Love" % "Before enlightenment: sharpen claws, catch mice. After enlightenment: sharpen claws, catch mice." --Max Rible % "Humility is no substitute for a good personality." --Fran Lebowitz % "Negative space: it's better than nothing." --99-6-1 % "Life is a traffic jam of crosses to bear." --Mark O'Donnell, Getting Over Homer % Ammo@Sportsman's Guide: "Let's shoot our way through Y2K"(tm) % "Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin." --John von Neumann (1951) % "Perl is the Cliff Notes of Unix." "It's no accident that the ductwork shows in shell scripts. Only we call them pipes." --Larry Wall, "Perl, the first postmodern computer language" % "How do you know I'd be afraid?" Lloyd said, "How do you know that would be the last thing I'd feel?" "I don't know that." Shwartz *tick-ticked*ed the pen. "You can never know. That's what's terrible about death." "Lots of things you don't know when you're alive. So what's the difference?" Schwartz's fingers stopped, and he stared at Lloyd as though he had seen him purely and for the first time. --Thomas H. McNeely, from "Sheep" % [When asked "Does the Bible specifically tell us what is going to happen in the future"] "It sure does, Ben, it definitely does...this is definite...it specifically clearly, unequivocally says that Russia and other countries will enter into war and God will destroy Russia through earthquakes, volcanoes..." --Pat Robertson,"700 Club" 1981-12-2 % I've known about the dangers of sex for quite a while, but having some girl shatter my skull with her tongue wasn't one that I'd have expected. --otto.man@the.couch, rec.arts.movies.current-films % "The fact is good writers are almost never dangerous." --John Gardener % "Man Versus Nature: The Road To Victory" --Troy McClure movie on The Simpsons % Edgar: "You can have my gun when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands." Bug: "Your terms are acceptable." --Men In Black: % [On Claim that Star Wars is ripping off the Bible:] "I especially like the bible scene were Jesus' tie fighter goes spiralling out of control into the void-- you just *know* he's gonna be back!" --99-6-15 % 1) Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again... 3) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 9) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 13) No, my powers can only be used for good. 14) How about never? Is never good for you? 16) You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication. 22) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. 26) Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. --Smart Comments (rec.humor.funny) % Leibowitz's Rule: When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands. % "I'm gonna walk down to the corndog shack and watch the girlies make lem-one-ade." --Cotton, King of the Hill % "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." --James Thurber % "You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." --Nora Ephron % "Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." --Smiley Blanton % "Sometimes, in the pursuit of pleasure, we forget that what we are ultimately searching for is happiness." --someone on alt.support.diet % My purpose is not to change anything. I don't give a shit about this country. This country could explode tomorrow and I'd just move to Ireland. I don't care about America, I don't care about democracy, I don't care about the human race. And I don't care about religion or God or any of those things. I care about friendship, family ties and romantic love. Those are the things I believe in. And I love my writing. --George Carlin % Measuring time in sunburns- "but darling, the romance between me and her proved it couldn't last and besides, that was many sunburns ago." --99-6-24 % "Who are you and how did you get in here?" "I'm a locksmith. And...I'm a locksmith." --Police Squad % "'Course, a guy'll listen to anything if he thinks it's foreplay" --Bull Durham % "...and He rolled the huge stone away from the mouth of the cave... and stepped outside...into bright sunlight...and......six more weeks of winter!" --Bear on a.f.c-a % 1000 love poems read about the sense of soaring, flying, using the stars for navigation. I realized that wasn't me, never was. I am too much of this earth; Of this joking earth, to be fair, The world is too much with me. % "'Pet me a little then feed me'... Sounds about right." --Mo on understanding different types of cats % "If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him." --Ancient Eastern Saying? % Family Anecdote: "I don't talk to no walls." --James Israel % Q. How come so many women love horses, which are big and dirty and smelly and stupid and go to the bathroom all over the place, and yet women are highly critical when men exhibit exactly these qualities? A. That is a good question. --Dave Berry's Questions and Answers % We are, as the animal behaviorist John S. Kennedy calls us, "compulsive" anthropomorphizers. [...] Human beings do it so instinctively that they are forever ascribing malignant or benignant motives even to inanimate forces such as the weather, volcanoes, and internal-combustion engines. --Stephen Budiansky, "The Truth About Dogs", The Atlantic July 1999 % "Nostradamus did for bullshit what Stonehenge did for rocks." --Unca Cecil % "Earth to stupid guy, hello!" --Homer Simpson % The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from the Russians. --Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973 % "It should be illegal to yell 'Y2K' in a crowded economy." --Larry Wall % Statistics are not useful for predicting individual human behavior. --hpstrdufuz@aol.com, alt.fan.cecil-adams % 'Death and Distraction!' said the Pins and Needles. 'Destruction and Debauchery!' --Edward Gorey, The Inanimate Tragedy % Next day a motorist drove up And told her to expect a cup. The weeks went by; no package came; She did not know the sender's name. 'Life is distracting and uncertain,' She said and went to draw the curtain. --Edward Gorey, The Eleventh Episode % "I love skissors!" --Woman on Sexbytes 2.5 % >I make a lousy single guy. We all do, Kirk, the world is just full of guys who won't admit it. --Greg Owen, 99-7-9 % Proposed definition: [for a typo for "emphasis"] emphasism (n.) - the belief that nothing exists beyond what one is concentrating on. --Chris on alt.fan.cecil-adams % "That is what June says. She repeats, 'And you forget this, and you forget that. You only remember the wrongs.' The truth is, Anaïs, that I take goodness for granted. I expect everybody to be good. It is evil which fascinates me." --Henry Miller, from The Diaries of Anaïs Nin % "I want to leave a scar on the world." --Henry Miller, from The Diaries of Anaïs Nin % "Anyone who does not have a mistress is a nincompoop." --Francis I of France % "That really reminds me of a film Woody Allen would make." --Mo after watching (Woody Allen's) "Celebrity" % Frasier: You exploit vulnerable people, charging them huge fees for holding their hands and pretending insight into their problems. Fortune Teller: How is that different from what you do? Frasier: [long pause] I can prescribe drugs. --Cheers % She lay on her side, the table lamp on beside her. I saw that damned chin hair still, and the curving line down to her hollow waist and up the bump over her hip that's so unbelievably beautiful it proves God's a perverted ass freak. --Matthew Klam, "Issues I Dealt With In Therapy" % "Nine times out of ten, in the arts as in life, there is actually no truth to be discovered" --H. L. Mencken % Six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience. The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, "Humans are flat." The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human, agreed. % "What's it all about? After the last line, *what*?" --Henry Miller % "Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." --Alan Dean Foster % "Ohhho, your inner child pretty much runs the place, huh?" --Tracy (The Drew Carey Show) % "Aww Kate, nothing's corny if it gets you some" --Drew (The Drew Carey Show) % "We never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come." --Milan Kundera, Unbearable Lightness of Being % Necessity knows no magic formulae-- they are all left to chance. If a love is to be unforgettable, fortuities must immediately start fluttering down to it like birds to Francis of Assisi's shoulders. --Milan Kundera, Unbearable Lightness of Being % While people are fairly young and the musical composition of their lives is still in its opening bars, they can go about writing it together and exchange motifs [...], but if they meet when they are older [...] their musical compositions are more or less complete, and every motif, every object, every word means something different to each of them. --Milan Kundera, Unbearable Lightness of Being % She would have liked to tell them that behind Communism, Facism, behind all occupations and invasions lurks a more basic, pervasive evil and that the image of that evil was a parade of people marching by with raised fists and shouting identical syllables in unison. --Milan Kundera, Unbearable Lightness of Being % As reported, the American version of [the orgy] sequence has had digital figures introduced during a 65-second shot in order to obscure the copulating bodies that caused the MPAA board to threaten the film with an NC-17. Apparently, it wasn't the nudity that bugged the board -- it was the movement of the couples. I'm perfectly willing to believe that the MPAA ratings board are the only people left in America who don't move when they fuck, but do they have to ruin the fun for the rest of us? --Salon's Charles Taylor on Kubrick's "Eyes Wide Shut" % "There may be intelligent life on other planets in the galaxy, but somebody, somewhere, had to be first." --Carl Sagan % "You don't SIT IN the traffic jam; you ARE the traffic jam."--Werner Icking % "They say that true love is when you strip away all the passion and romance and you find that you still care for the other person." "Well. What fun is that?" --bitersweets.org % "You're not obsessed with [death], you just resent it." --Mo,99-7-17 % "Lurp is the integer between 3 and 4" --Mo, recalling lessons from CTY % Because that's really something I can't stand -- when people refer to themselves as crazy. The truly crazy are labled so on the grounds that they see nothing wrong with their behavior. They forge ahead, lighting fires in public buildings and defecating in frying pans without the slightest notion that they are out of step with society. That, to me, is crazy. Calling yourself crazy is not crazy, just obnoxious. --David Sedaris, Barrel Fever % "SANTA HAS A TUMOR IN HIS HEAD THE SIZE OF AN OLIVE. MAYBE IT WILL GO AWAY TOMORROW BUT I DON'T THINK SO." --sign language by Crumpet the Macy's SantaLand Elf (David Sedaris) % "Ahh to be young again. And also a robot." --Professor Farnsworth, Futurama % "You know- sometimes it's a good day to die, some days it's a good day to have breakfast." --Thomas Builds-The-Fire, "Smoke Signals" % The World's Last Romantic took a breath and knocked on the blue door, flowers in hand. --99-7-20 % "Evil is just plain bad! You don't cotton to it! You gotta smack it on the nose with the rolled up newspaper of goodness! Bad dog! Bad dog!"-The Tick % "A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars." --http://photo.net/bg/ % "What's the matter, Miss Quinn? Have we forgotten the words to 'Eeny meeny miney mo'?" --Campus Comedy % Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth... --John Gillespie Magee, Jr., start of "High Flight" % Chanting against Nazism is like drinking for sobriety. --http://www.subatomichumor.com % Unch: a unit of measure for grapefruit juice --from a typo of Mo's, 99-7-26 % "I love everything that flows" % "Man is a god in ruins." --Ralph Waldo Emerson % Two Belgrade residents are having coffee together. One says, "How do you feel about the bombing last night?" The other takes a long sip of coffee and replies, "Well, I feel I was missed." --Joke from the Former Yugoslavia % "Good looks aren't everything. It's also important to have loose morals." --Culture Time: 20 Pat Midnight 99-7-28 % "If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error." --John Kenneth Galbraith % "I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks." --net.humor: "Sarcastic Remarks" % "Values of ß will give rise to dom!" --Ritchie's Sixth Edition Unix mv command % /* You are not expected to understand this */ --Ritchie, comment in Sixth Edition Unix % Many supermarket chashiers here in Nashville wear these ["What Would Jesus Do?"] bracelets. I have this recurring fantasy of one day screaming out "You know what Jesus would do?!?! He'd bag my fucking groceries a bit faster!" --john-dean@msn.com % "Unrequited Love is like hitting your head against a wall that isn't there." --Too Much Coffee Man % "If you can't be happy naturally, you might as well force it." --Too Much Coffee Man % "That which doesn't kill you will make you bitter and cynical." --Too Much Espresso Guy % "We're going to party like it's 1999. Again." --Frye on Futurama % Life is a partial, continuous, progressive, multiform and conditionally interactive self-realization of the potentialities of atomic electron states. --John Bernal % "God not only plays dice, He sometimes throws the dice where they cannot be seen." --S. Hawking % "The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'" --Isaac Asimov % "But I don't have to know an answer. I don't feel frightened by not knowing things, by being lost in the mysterious universe without having any purpose, which is the way it really is, as far as I can tell, possibly. It doesn't frighten me." --Richard Feynman % "Far, far below the deepest delvings of the Dwarves, the world is gnawed by nameless things." --Gandalf, "The Two Towers" % "love is a piano dropped from a four story window and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time" -ani difranco, "two little girls" % McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95. % "Why you're about as 'fatale' as an after-dinner mint." --Cabaret % Uma Thurman on a Hog Harley: now *that's* heaven. --k.d.lang % This life is like an Atomic Fire Ball (r) - once you get past the stuff that hurts it's pretty sweet. % "[life is like chocolate covered espresso beans...] once you get past the stuff that's sweet, it's really dark and bitter and keeps you up at night." % "She moved so easily All I could think of was sunlight" --Paul Simon % "Double integral is also the shape of lovers curled asleep." Pynchon % Paul D sits down in the rocking chair and examines the quilt patched in carnival colors. His hands are limp between his knees. There are too many things to feel about this woman. His head hurts. Suddenly he remembers Sixo trying to describe what he felt about the Thirty-Mile Woman. "She is a friend of my mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind." --Toni Morrison % (i do not know what it is about you that closes and opens, only something in me understands the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses) --e.e. cummings % liFe is Not aLL jazz and Joy) sMiles and suNNy weaTher! EVERy golD has it'S aLloy! toHOld tHe Stuff together! !if LUCk is good! why maN aliVE! weLcoMe iT! And ch eer iT! buT if THE drinK'S two seven five Try to griN! AND beer iT! heNry! --don marquis % I see friends shaking hands saying 'how do you do?' they're really saying 'I love you' and I think to myself What a wonderful world" --Louis Armstrong % "I think it's kind of funny you think I'm the boy to make you cry I can make you happy... if only for a while" --George Michael % "Would not a rose, by any other name, have so many ?$^ thorns????" % The autumn leaves are falling like rain. Although my neighbors are all barbarians, And you, you are a thousand miles away, There are always two cups at my table. --Author Unknown, dated from the T'ang Dynasty % "Broken heart, huh?" "Does it show?" "Listen, when you've been tickling the ivories for as long as I have, you see a broken heart for every drop of rain, a shattered dream for every falling star..." --Rowlf and Kermit, The Muppet Movie % run away with me where everywhere and then what be with me And our kisses were like chewing dynamite. % I turn the set back on and close my eyes. "I want to understand you," a woman is saying to The Fugitive. "You will in time," The Fugitive tells her. "May I use your car?" --Jay Gummerman, "We Find Ourselves in Moontown" % It's very hard to get your head and heart to work together in life. In my case, they're not even friendly. --Woody Allen, Crimes and Misdemeanors % "The helicopter on the computer screen has to be spinning- otherwise it just wouldn't work." --Rick Hanson on The Matrix and pretty much every computer mockup in movieland % Larry Bone wrote: > "He who uses profanity gives other people permission to ignore > what he is saying" - Kurt Vonnegut. "A similar effect can be achieved by quoting Kurt Vonnegut." - me --bd % Life is a search for the truth; and there is no truth --Chinese Proverb % This is exactly how the World Wide Web works: the HTML files are the pithy description on the paper tape, and your Web browser is Ronald Reagan. The same is true of Graphical User Interfaces in general. --Neal Stephenson, In the Beginning Was the Command Line % "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." --Benjamin Franklin % "When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. And that's my religion." --Abraham Lincoln % "I'm taking care of you Taking good care of you For, once, I was very little, too Now I take care of you." --Fred Rogers % My basic rule of life is, "Do unto others as you would [have others] do unto you." It's not Christian, it's global. It's a simple rule, and in most situations it tells you what you should do. If you ever wonder, "What should I do?" and you ask yourself that question-- "What would I want somebody else to do?"--suddenly you know the right answer. --Linus Torvalds % "You were thinkin' too much. I mean, he's there, he's hittin' ya, ya can't *think* about this, Joey, it takes too long." "I thought you said it was a mental game." "In a sense, yes. But primarily, no. Primarily, you gotta hit the guy." --Ethan Coen, "Destiny" % [On Y2K Survival Kits] Yeah, right! If the world’s grinding to a halt in a few months I really want to spend that time on some kind of goofy scavenger hunt for bottled water and band-aids. You’re even supposed to pack several months worth of pet food. Look, man, if it comes to that, the pets *are* food. --http://www.subatomichumor.com/ % "Life's a bitch and so's my mom" --topic on Win Ben Stein's Money % "*kiss kiss*" "There's not enough beer in the world, Spleen, I'm sorry-" --Spleen & Bowler, Mystery Men % Cybersybar wrote: >"Who owns the fish?". The correct answer is "Yes". > It's a Zen koan, get it? Come closer and I'll show you the sound of one hand clapping. --Bill Baldwin on a.f.c-a % Sometime after their breakup, after they had each regained their strides with new love, they met. They discussed the idea that every person has a finite amount of love, that the other relationships they had found true romance in precluded the two of them from loving now. To their surprise, their goodbye kiss was greedy and passionate. All he could think of was "Well, there goes my affection for the country of China."- the feeling had to be coming from somewhere. --99-8-17 % "Life sucks and then you keep living." --BEK (New Yorker, Aug. 23 & 30, 1999) % "Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse." --Miguel de Cervantes % "Alejandro, forgive me, but this world in here seems crazy to me. Why would sensible people, who can afford to buy fish, want this torture instrument in their houses? It is far beyond my understanding." --Porfirio the Fisherman on a catalog offering a rowing machine (quoted by Alastair Reid) % "Fiat iustitia, ruat coelum"- "Justice be done, though it bring down the cosmos." (from article on Lincoln's 2nd Inaugural Address in The Atlantic, denouncing extremism in 'just vengance') % "Well-behaved women rarely make history." --Laurel Thatcher Ulrich % "The real problem with having mind-controlled zombies as my servants is that it's tough to get up a really sincere-sounding round of cheers when I've come up with a plan I think is worth cheering." --Maximus, X-Factor Annual 2. % "Life is right in any case." --film "Kama Sutra" % "You may look upon the future and behold: It will be boring." --Robert Gilmore % "Kids are not nice, innocent, flower-loving little rainbow children. Kids are all little bastards; they don't have any kind of social tact or etiquette." -- "South Park" co-creator Matt Stone % Time flies like a rocket ship. Like one of those old rocket ships, that's only good for one trip, and stages fall off to plunge into the ocean, pieces of shattered burnt-out wreckage as the main section barely makes it up to beyond the atmosphere, not like one of these new-fangled reusable space shuttles with all their fancy-shmancy 1970s technologies that get to fly and land and fly again. % "I didn't wake up this morning--" --World's Shortest Blues Song by "Blind Lemon" Yankovic % Salvation Army: Special Force: Some homeless people don't want to be helped. For these people we call... Salvation Army: Special Force! Working together with the Salvation Army, the Salvation Navy, the Salvation Tank Core and the Salvation Air Force, this elite team delivers free sandwiches and religious pamphlets to the most dangerous poor people around, with the help of an amazing arsenal of hi-tech machinery and, of course, God. --www.subatomichumor.com, "Inside Hollywood" % "Bumblebees would be more fashionable if they didn't wear stripes, which is what makes them look so fat that scientists think they can't fly." --Kibo % "When one has tasted watermelons, one knows what angels eat." --Mark Twain % "Red beans and ricely yours," --letter closing of Louis Armstrong % "... in ancient times they said a thing was holy if it made you hold your tongue. We said it was holy if it made you laugh." --John Crowley,"Engine Summer" % "EAT WITH GUSTO, SHIT WITH GUSTO, DO NOT FEAR DEATH." --rubber stamp % "It's art. You give it up, you were never an artist in the first place." --Lionel Dobie, New York Stories % As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. --Deep Thoughts % I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. --Deep Thoughts % I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money." --Deep Thoughts % "I just couldn't go on speaking those bloody awful, banal lines" --Sir Alec Guinness on why he encouraged George Lucas to kill off Obi-Wan % "Here I predict Mr. Liston's dismemberment. I'll hit him so hard he'll wonder where October and November went." --Cassius Clay % "Personally, I always claim Cecil Earl is a little screwy, or if he is not screwy that he will do very well as a pinch-hitter until a screwy guy comes up to bat." --"Broadway Complex", Damon Runyon % "After all, to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure. You know the Stone was really not such a wonderful thing. As much money and life as you could want! The two things most human beings would choose above all-- the trouble is, humans do have a knack of choosing precisely those things that are worst for them." --Dumbledore, "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone", J.K.Rowling % Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. --Psalms 137:9 % "It is evident that the end of the world is fast approaching." - Assyrian Tablet, c.2800BC % A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the way that astonishes him least. --Tao of Programming, http://www.dnaco.net/~kragen/tao-of-programming.html % "If life was fair there wouldn't be rich people." --Beth, NewsRadio % "Microsoft has done for software what McDonald's did for the hamburger." --PC Magazine, June 1997 % "We put the hyper into hypertext" --99-9-18 % "Whatcha doin'?" "Looking for frogs." "How come?" "I must obey the inscrutable exhortatons of my soul." "Ah. But of course." "My mandate also includes weird bugs." --Hobbes and Calvin % the terms of youth the uncounted cost *the loves we've held that then we lost.* the twists of this heartache known to give as well as take --99-9-23 % "Listen, the FBI *had* to use deadly force: Those guys in there had some sort of Messiah or something." --The Onion on Waco % "Santa Claus. He's a foolish story for small children. He's a big jolly bribe to control their criminal instincts." --Mysterious Old Man, "Red Ranger Came Calling", Berkeley Breathed % Meeting a Zen master on the road, Face him neither with words nor silence. Give him an uppercut And you will be called one who understands Zen. --The Gateless Gate #36 % Song of Oysters I like to eat an uncooked oyster. Nothing's slicker, nothing's moister Nothing's easier on your gorge Or, when the time comes, to disgorge. But not to let it too long rest Within your mouth is always best. For if your mind dwells on an oyster... Nothing's slicker. Nothing's moister. I prefer my oyster fried. Then I'm sure my oyster's died. --Roy Blount, Jr from "One Fell Soup" % "May the wind always be at your back but not coming out of you yourself personally" --Prairie Home Commonplace Book "Irish Envy" % As I get older, I don't enjoy the same things I once enjoyed. But I enjoy new and different things! I just don't enjoy them as much as I used to enjoy the things I no longer enjoy. --Arlo, "Arlo + Janis" % You Shall Not Subject Your God To Market Forces! --Book of Om, Chap. IV v.6b ("Small Gods",Terry Pratchett) % We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that said "ELECTROCUTION". You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. --Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" % Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a soap bubble? --TWENTY PAST MIDNIGHT % Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so get used to it. --TWENTY PAST MIDNIGHT % > >Tea is ok, coffee is better. I like it black as a midnight on a > >moonless night - damn good coffee... and HOT! > > I like my coffee like I like my women-- blonde + sweet... > ("I like my coffee like I like my women-- hot, black, and > with one of those little pastry croissant things on the side") --vigstrand.fritz@mailbox.swipnet.se and kisrael@cs.tufts.edu % "Win95, Win98... what are they gonna call it after 2000? Once I realized this I suddenly lost *whatever* faith I had in Microsoft's dealing with that Millenium Bug." --Dylan % This reminded me of a comedian I saw once. (I cannot remember her name of course!) That was just hilarious. She's talk about her boyfriend commenting "I think your gaining weight" and she'd respond "I don't see that hair growing back now do I?" Him: "You didn't do the dishes." Her: "Where's your hair?" --Sandy Breiner % "Come on down to Wendell's For one hell of a kau kau! It's a foot-long lau lau. Better den poi, Better den pig. Wendell's lau lau -- frickin' big!" --Karla % "All I want out of life is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit. That's why I've decided to transfer to business school!" --Guenter the Monkey on Futurama % these romances passed strangely sweet cost *the loves we've held that then we lost.* the wistful bend of this heartache: known to give as well as take --99-10-4 % Happiness is a small and lovely achievement. --Mr. Blue % "What's your favorite instrument? You play them all." "Mmm. Stewardesses!" --The Electryfying Mojo and Prince % 1. We are not heroes. 2. Our time here is brief. 3. Our untapped potential is limited: We are doing about the best we can do. 4. Personal charm doesn't count for much. 5. There's no point in looking back. It doesn't help. --Jimmy (Big Boy) Valente as told to Garrison Keillor % "From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs-- they didn't go for it, eh?" "The people have more opiates than they know what to do with." --Jimmy (Big Boy) Valente and Lenin (as told to Garrison Keillor) % "Exceptional my ass!" -Something About Mary, on "special" populations % BAR JOKE #1 A man walks into a bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. Later that night, he goes home and reflects on the poor decisons he's made in life. CHICKEN JOKE #63 Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the chicken lacks any reasoning or decision-making capabilities, it seems unlikely that the chicken's action was spurred by any particular motivation. --The Newest Jokes From Jokeland, http://www.mcsweeneys.net % "There's nothing horrible in any of them. You know, there's nothing like, 'Wasn't it fantastic when you bent me over the sofa?' Not that I ever did that." --The late Princess Diana's ex-lover James Hewitt, defending his decision to publish Diana's love letters despite her wishes. % "I'll never make that mistake again, reading the experts' opinions. Of course, you only live one life, and you make all your mistakes, and learn what not to do, and that's the end of you." --Richard Feynman, "Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!" % What *I* got out of that story was something still very new to me: I understood at last what art is really for, at least in certain respects. It gives somebody, individually, pleasure. You can make something that somebody likes *so much* that they're depressed, or they're happy, on account of that damn thing you made! In science, it's sort of general and large: You don't know the individuals who have appreciated it directly. I understood that to sell a drawing is not to make money, but to be sure that it's in the home of someone who really wants it; someone who would feel bad if they didn't have it. This was interesting. --Richard Feynman, "Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!" % "Oral sex combines a man's two favorite activities. Sex ... and not moving, at all." --Richard Jennie % "Our company newsletter has reports of bizarre workplace crimes. I've never thought of these crimes before, but now I have an urge to be a copycat. Thank goodness my parents raised me to be lazy." --Wally (from Dilbert, October 14, 1999) % THE POINT by Bryan O'Sullivan you could spend an hour counting the petals in a flower it might take you a year to count the veins in each petal if you spent ten lifetimes, maybe you could count its cells but you'd have completely missed the point you fuckhead --cDc #300 % Give me something to bite my teeth into, like your wool socks, gray and soft, best when worn without shoes, displayed, kicked up on the coffee table. Better yet... your jeans; five pockets, rivets, amber thread stitching, with a zipper fly. Again and again they thump and tumble with mine in the dryer. Never offering resistance to its heat. I admit to being frightened at the thought of such a hunger. --Give Me, by Tery J. England (Spare Change) % "Who thought I'd laugh this much in church" "Practical. Spiritual. Fun." --Subway advertising for Vineyard Christian Fellowship of Cambridge (www.cambridgevineyard.org) % "Life is made up of impossible plot twists designed to lead to cheap sex. Who are we to question life?" --Jordan Lee in Dreamlover % My comment on that is, no one talks to a hat salesman; everyone talks to a porn shop merchant. --Paul Z [emphasis added] % It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars. --Mr. Blue, 99-10-26 % "Man, as we know him, is a poor creature; but he is halfway between an ape and a god and he is travelling in the right direction." --Dean William R. Inge % "And some rin up hill and down dale, knapping the chucky stanes to pieces wi' hammers, like sae mony road-makers run daft -- they say it is to see how the warld was made!" --Sir Walter Scott, St. Ronan's Well (1832) % You may be damned if you do. You may be damned if you don't. You are unquestionably damned if you try to do both. --Greg Owen, 99-10-26 % "Seaside was covered with very nice sands. Sitting on the sands, rolled a cigarette there. I smoked by the sea. It was great, my dear, even though the weather was a little windy. I don't know how long I stayed there. To think about my past pleased me. I couldn't find anything wrong in my past life. Maybe there was something wrong, but I couldn't remember." --Lynne Tillman, "Motion Sickness" % "Although he lacked the strain of irresponsibility which I think essential (in moderation) to the rounded human being, we got on well together and were soon exchanging information without reserve on either side."-Philby book, Lynne Tillman, "Motion Sickness" % You'll see, she prophesies dourly, life is much harder than you young Americans ever imagined it would be, your generation has had it easy, and there won't be anyone around to fight your battles. *Ach*, this life will break your heart. --Lynne Tillman, "Motion Sickness" % [on the idea "You can't unscramble an egg"] Now consider: how expensive would it be to make a device that would take scrambled eggs as an input and deliver unscrambled eggs as an output? There is one ready solution: put a live hen in the box! --Dennet, "Darwin's Dangerous Idea" % Orgel's Second Rule: Evolution is cleverer than you are. --Leslie Orgel % There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for? And what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love. --Don Juan, from Don Juan DeMarco (1995) % "I have made a ceaseless effort not to ridicule, not to bewail, not to scorn human actions, but to understand them" -Spinoza "The ridiculing and scorn, that's just gravy."-Courage % The AIDS virus has undergone so much mutation in the last decade that its history over that period exhibits more genetic diversity- measured in codon revisions- than is to be found in the entire history of primate evolution! --Dennett % two rubberbands overlapping each other on top of a scribbled page of poetry this is romance --The Guppy % "These poems will convince more than one other you were loved greatly and should be again. Will it be the way a fallen star tells the ground about the night sky?" --Tess Galagher's "Kiss Without a body" % "I dunno, isn't there a drink that uses a egg? Like a 'gin & egg'?" --99-11-6 % We are made up of the same sorts of autonama that invade us [viruses and bacteria] -- no halos of *élan vital* distinguish your antibodies from the antigens they combat; they simply belong to the club that is you, so they fight on your behalf. --Daniel Dennett, "Darwin's Dangerous Idea" % The Panglossian pessimist says, "Isn't it a shame that this is, after all, the best of all possible worlds!" Imagine a beer comercial: as the sun sets over the mountains, one of the hunks lounging around the campfire intones, "It doesn't get any better than this!" -- at which point his beautiful companion burts into tears: "Oh no! Is that really true?" It wouldn't sell much beer. --Daniel Dennett, "Darwin's Dangerous Idea" % "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" --Rich Jeni % "Knew someone in the pagan community who asserted that for the majority, Jesus Christ was the god of minor injuries and household emergencies..." --dcarpend@kiva.net % Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19) Cheer up: Nobody ever died of a broken heart. Unless, that is, you count suicides, depression- related anemia or heart attacks. --Lloyd Schumner Sr. at The Onion % So, if happiness isn't being rich, then it's probably not being middle class, which means you're just as likely to find it at rock bottom, which doesn't require all the effort, and hell, I'm already there. --Jake, "Staggering Heights" % New Dessert Idea: "Wham, Bam, Thank You Flan" % "She left a trail of hopeful, broken h