TIPS FOR PERFORMERS: Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help
cheaters. There are a finite number of jokes in the universe. Singing is a
trick to get people to listen to music for longer than they would ordinarily.
There is no music in space. People will pay to watch people make sounds.
Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
LIVING WITH OTHER PEOPLE: Violence on television only affects children whose
parents act like television personallities. Table manners are for people who
have nothing better to do. Civilization is a religion. Civilized people walk
funny. There is always a party going on somewhere. People will remember you if
you always wear the same outfit.
LIFE ON EARTH: Men like pastries, women like custards. Scientists have
invented a love drug, but it only works on bugs. Animals like earthquakes,
tornadoes, and volcanic activity. Nuclear weapons can wipe out life on Earth,
if used properly. Cats like houses better than people. Dolphins find people
amusing, but they don't want to talk to them. People look ridiculous when
they're in ecstasy. Schools are for training people how to listen to other
people. Body odor is the window to the soul. Sound is worth money.
IN THE HOME: There have been cases where people's shoes got stuck on their
feet and could never be removed. The best way to get rid of unwanted flying
insects is to have strong body odor. There hasn't been a good=looking American
car in 20 years. There is always something on television. The best length for
television programs is either 30 seconds or 8 hours.
THE SPACE PEOPLE: Space People read our mail. The Space People think that TV
news programs are comedies, and that soap operas are news. The Space People
will contact us when they can make money by doing so. The Space People think
factories are musical instruments. They sing along with them. Each song lasts
from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. No music on weekends.
MONEY: People will do odd things if you give them money. When everything is
worth money, then money is worth nothing. If you keep your money in your shoe,
then people will know which bills are yours. If you crumple your money into
little bills, it will never stick together. The best way to touch money is by
the edges. U.S. money is the worst looking money in the world.
WORLD TRAVEL: Passport pictures are what people really look like. Rich people
will travel great distances to look at poor people. Toast is the national dish
of Australia. People never travel to look at flat landscapes. People would
rather watch things than eat. Looking at postcards is better than looking at
the real thing. Looking up is as scary as looking down.
IN THE FUTURE: In the future, women will have breasts all over. In the future,
it will be a relief to find a place without culture. In the future, plates of
food will have names and titles. In the future, we will all drive standing up.
In the future, love will be taught on television and by listening to pop
WORK: Crime is a job. Sex is a job. Growing up is a job. School is a job.
Going to parties is a job. Religion is a job. Being creative is a job.
--EB sent me the liner notes to the Taking Heads' "Stop Making Sense" for some reason... neat stuff. I like how it predicts the Segway in the Fture section.
...of the moment
http://www.wired.com/dangerroom/2009/07/exclusive-interview-with-a-pirate/ - International Talk With a Pirate Day.
http://kirkjerk.com/2004/07/28/ - heh, 5 years ago today I published my first Processing app... Man, 5 Years? Anyway, fun language
So far the only good thing about Outlook Spam block is that it successfully junked "Celebrate 10 Years of Messenger" from Windows Live Team-
"Please allow 6 to 8 weeks for delivery" - what was up with that? Every product coming in from overseas?
Just watched the Red Sox retire Jim Rice's number- Heh, wonder if they rearranged the #s so it wasn't him + Jackie Robinson apart from the white guys--
Kirk's Law of Code Comments: Developers who think a bug tracking # is sufficient for a code comment or check-in message are probably not very good developers.