❮❮prev

Still twinges over the loss of Dean - weirdly focused on the dumb but consistent parts of life with a cat... him coming over on his own schedule to get skritches and make biscuits was probably the most emotionally important parts of our connection, and I miss that, but sometimes the absence is more keenly felt in the ridiculously pragmatic - "oops, don't leave that rubber band out, Dean mi- oh never mind." Or the loneliness lurking behind how now *no one cares when I head to the fridge for a chicken sausage or bit of string cheese*.

And it all gets mixed up with the general challenges of this season - like how it's been a crap time to look for work, and there's an underlying low key anxiety there, not to mention having to whether a series of attacks on confidence and self-image, and a sense of futility emanating from my last gig. So sometimes leaning into the kitty sadness when it pops up seems self-indulgent, or like an excuse. But still, the house Melissa and I share has lost an important piece of its lively soul, a kind of spark of animism that's no longer there.

Long Haul Paul's song It Comes In Waves is hitting for me right now: "It comes in waves / It comes in waves / But I'll be alright / But I'll be alright" Like maybe I'm overdoing it - that song is about a person - a son and father - lost to an overdose, which is orders of magnitude more of a loss, but sadness does know from that kind of math, or recognize the need to keep a sense of perspective.

Ah well. It's nice to enjoy a rainy morning on the porch (albeit a porch badly in need of some expensive restructuring - another little sling and/or arrow of semi-outrageous fortune) Drinking homemade iced coffee, condensation on the glass and the pot, and enjoying a weird breakfast of some cheap chicken Cup Noodles with just a kick of sriracha.

I'll be alright, I'll be alright.

---

Pretty interesting Slate article on procrastionation.

"Some believe it's caused by a lack of confidence--that procrastinators fear, deep down, that they'll screw things up, so their ego prevents them from beginning. (This was Sigmund Freud's theory.)"

I get that - but for me it tends to come up before subtasks inside of a larger task.

But I think the article is also right to point out that "rational actor" analysis only works at the way zoomed out level. I think that's because we're not a single monolithic actor - each of our psyches is made up of multiple actors, with their own agendas - ego protection, sensual pleasures, etc etc.